//the power of peace

What is /peace/?

It is not the absence of conflict. It is not the absence of turmoil or hardships. 

It is definitely not the lack of tribulations or trials. 

Peace is something I think we all desire. 

Because even the humans that possess all the world's riches, power and charms still end up committing suicide, or ruining their lives because of their inward misery. 

In simple terms, they die for lack of /peace/. 

In a world that is spinning 1,040 miles per hour, our lives seem to whiz by at even greater speeds.

And even though we never notice the rotation of the planet we spend all our lives firmly planted on, we sure get caught up in every form of stress possible. 

We are addicted to constant activity, to constant entertainment and constant /stress/ - even when we aren't aware that we are. Stress comes in many forms. 

Peace is so much simpler, but sadly, when we let ourselves be overwhelmed with the constant act of always engaging in something, we can lose the connection with the subtle beauty of true peace.

It's easy to do because peace isn't a flashy thing that demands you to notice it. Unlike happiness, excitement or passion, it is quiet and unassuming. 

But even when you sit an do /nothing/ peace isn't inherently there. (it sure is nice to just stop and do /nothing/ but exist now and then though)

Peace is knowing that even though you have enemies, it doesn't matter in the long run. 

Peace is the comfort of knowing that, despite the world crumbling around you, you're going to make it out safe and sound.

Peace is the sense of free-falling when you release all worry or concern over things you have no control about. Everything from major life questions that haven't been answered yet to financial needs and desires for the future. It's a little unsettling at first because you feel like you're dropping out of the air with no parachute. 

You only see the parachute puff out above you until after you make the jump. 

Peace is powerful and life-changing, because it completely affects your being once it settles in your soul. 

It calms your internal tempests when you come face to face with the greatest external hurricanes. 

Only when you are full of peace can you see clearly and sensibly through the trials of life. 

And in the midst of those trials, despite the pain and heartache, you still know it's going to be okay. 

Peace is when you decide you're not going to expend emotion where it's not necessary.

 Peace is deciding to hold your tongue when someone criticizes or insults you,

Peace is not stooping to the level of those who wrong you. 

Peace is not found in getting even or returning evil with evil.  

Peace is found when you cast all your cares upon your Creator, and leave it His hands. 

// 1 Peter 5:7

Casting all your care upon Him; for He cares for you.

// 1 Corinthians 14:33

For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace...

I don't know about you, but I am a seeker of peace. 

Being at peace is far more powerful than any other state of being.

And only the peace found in Jesus can truly suffice. 

Essence of Humanity // a bit of prose

“Essence of Humanity”

Eyes lacking vigor, hands drained of life

A mouth that only utters empty promises and lies

Aggression leaves its mark in the lines on our faces

Some days we’re proud of them, and some days we hate it.

I run, but it’s not from someone else I try to hide

I cry, but it’s not from the rolling thunder in the night sky

I fight, but it’s not against a person the eyes can behold,

It’s against that blue-eyed girl staring back in the mirror. 

We have good days and bad, but deep down we’re always searching

For an answer to a question that’s beyond our understanding

Cause’ the pain inside won’t go away, without some kind of remedy

And when we try to fix it ourselves, the medicine only turns to poison.

I run, but it’s not from someone else I try to hide

I cry, but it’s not from the rolling thunder in the night sky

I fight, but it’s not against a person the eyes can behold,

It’s against that blue-eyed girl staring back in the mirror. 

Who knew the greatest enemy, could be the essence of humanity

At our greatest, we just amount to failure.

Can’t you see the pain that we’re all trying to hide?

Do you understand the mighty torrent raging deep inside?   

On earth, where can I find the remedy?

If it were here, wouldn't it be clear to see?

 Earth provides not solutions - just clues, pointing Above, subtle signs 

And the essence of humanity overlooks them all the time. 

///

This is a song I wrote earlier in the year when I was going through 'my personal hell'. I didn't really finish it into a piece that I'd feel comfortable actually singing in front of someone, but I think that the conclusion is clear regardless. 

We can't fix ourselves. 

It has to be Christ. 

A supernatural intervention from the Creator of the Universe is the only way to cure the human soul's devolving condition. 

Vaya con Dios mis amigos, 

When You Look Back On the Future

When she recounted the moments of her past year, the past three-hundred-and-sixty-five days, she saw answers to questions hidden in plain view. Her eyes saw them now, but they had been invisible back when she was living at that exact moment. She couldn't see it then, but now it was as clear as the cerulean sky above her head. 

What caused her former self to be shrouded from understanding the things she now knew? When does a soul ripen, transforming from a naive acorn into a discerning oak? 

She still didn't know the answer to that one. The wisdom she craved and the spirit of understanding which she desired so immensely were always things of mystery. Far more valuable than any physical object, and rightly so. 

But now it all made sense. 

She was now living in the future - the future her former self didn't yet know. A year ago, she was a different soul. A little less seasoned. A little less knowledged. A little less wise.
A soul who allowed herself to be deceived into thinking she knew what love was.
He hadn't been her first choice, no. But she was willing to give him a chance just in case God had plans for them. She liked him, and for a time she even thought that she was in love.
Alas, no. That wasn't true love.
It wasn't meant to be.
When God revealed this to her, she changed. She realized the truth.
When she learned a secret she hoped she'd never have to know, everything came apart. The afternoon she learned something far more saddening than she ever wanted to imagine, was the afternoon that changed her life forever.
But it was the hardest month of her life.
She dissolved into an ocean of solitude and misery, a swath of confusion and protest. She tried not to let anger and bitterness take root in her soul. Only God could count the number of tears she wept in confusion and pain.
But when her world was turned upside down, she felt the embrace of Christ himself.
In that time of perceived tribulation, she lost a bit of herself and gained something even more grand.
She gained experience. A jewel of wisdom. She experienced a tiny taste of the fires of God's refining.
And she learned to cherish those flames.

-

It's a beautiful thing to look back on the past, and see how the Lord's mercies work together like pieces in a giant, universal puzzle. To think that, I, just a small fragment of that grand puzzle could even be allowed a place in the picture at all is gloriously humbling!
When I look back on what was, at one time, the future to my past self, I see things that weren't possible to understand then. It's as if I were driving down a pitch-black highway at night, with only my dim-lights on so that I can merely see about forty feet ahead in the darkness.

Of course, on one hand, isn't that what faith is? Walking by TRUST, HOPE, and BELIEF, not by sight. You have NO idea what's yet to come but you know it will all make sense at some point!

Even thinking about what I considered tribulation, earlier this year, is interesting. The truth is? I have no clue what a real trial or tribulation is like. I may have experienced pain, and my soul may feel awful raw and cut-on. But that doesn't mean I've truly suffered. By Jove, gracious, no! Have I been persecuted for my following Jesus? Have I been tortured or my family arrested because of our faiths? No! Am I still alive, thriving and breathing? Yes!

I'm going to be totally honest with y'all. This isn't pretty, but it has to be said.
There were months when I wanted to die.
You might find that hard to believe, coming from a girl with high self-esteem and an incredible amount of drive in life.
*sigh* But it's true. As many days as I've had where my emotions soared and I felt I was truly amazingggg (see, I definitely have tendency to struggle with pride!), I've had just as many where I cursed myself as being a horrible excuse of human, never good enough and always failing and disappointing the ones I loved dearest. It crushed me more than any physical burden could.
When the voices screaming in my head wouldn't be silent and I wanted to end it so I wouldn't hear them, or have to be stuck with my shell of a monstrosity. I hated myself so, in the times when I hit extreme emotional lows that sunk to levels of depression.
I was a mess, I was worried for other people's safety when I was out in public. I never knew when my next meltdown would be. I had a few panic attacks out of nowhere. I couldn't focus, and I was crying every day for no reason other than nothing made sense and I was so sick of myself.
I heard voices saying I was an alien, a monster, and that nobody could understand my condition of being. I was an anomaly. A girl whose emotions were off the charts. Bipolar. Out of control.
The voices wouldn't shut up. I couldn't find peace in my cranium no matter how I attempted to seek it. I prayed in desperation for rest from the chaos enveloping my mind. It just wouldn't come.

I want to say that some of those days were like hell on earth for me. Obviously that is a major exaggeration, but if you've ever experienced any form of depression or manic-depressive symptoms you'll understand. It's truly grotesque, what your mind does when subjected to this kind of crippling emotional...whatever you call it. Actually I reckon the scientific answer is that it's merely an chemical imbalance in the brain. Still, it is crippling.

I don't really know what happened, but for the past several months I have experienced something that has been much prayed for, and almost too good to be true, considering the mental madness of earlier in the year.
Mental clarity, and internal peace. 
NO VOICES. No screaming voices. No slanderous whispers in my ears. No endless tears and meltdowns every single day of the week.
Tears are welling up in my eyes as I say this. (what can I say, I'm still very emotional and this subject is not one I bring up much.)
I've never felt so incredibly FREE. I'm like a wild horse running free on the prairie, with nothing between me and the horizon. The bars of my mental prison vanished. I'm a bird released from its cage.
There are no chains on me, not any more.
I am free.
The only answer I have for this is one word. One name.
Jesus. 
People say you can't recover from mental illness. People say that you can't wipe that kind of thing from your DNA.
My answer is, thank God that the Supernatural Almighty doesn't listen to the scorn and disbelief of mortal humanity!
I don't know if I still have the potential for those bipolar-syndromes to return - maybe it will always be there. But maybe not. Maybe it won't.
 I will say this. My God is powerful, and so far, He's not failed me yet.
He answers prayers, in ways I don't expect or envision.
So if He takes this completely, I won't be surprised.
I will just be immensely grateful.

Anyway, so getting back to what I was saying earlier, I have experienced pain and there were times I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it any longer.
But all in all? Have I suffered? Have I truly suffered tribulation?
No.
No amount of bipolar-symptom trauma or emotional tornadoes could change that.
And even if I lost everything I have, I would still not know true suffering.
No, real suffering isn't anything I'll ever know.
Jesus suffered when He took my punishment on the cross. When He laid down His life to be brutally murdered in one of the most painful deaths a human could experience.
That was true suffering.
So yeah...can I complain about anything I've gone through?
Never.

When I look back on the past, I know that it was a beautiful one. Why? Because even scars and broken pieces are beautiful, when they are redeemed and refined by Christ. 

I Used To Be Indecisive But Now I'm Not Sure

 

Did you get that title? Yes? Hehe, good.

 So often in life it feels like indecisiveness is viewed as a bad thing. If you can't make up your mind, you feel like you're at a disadvantage and you're behind. Out of the loop. Not with it.

Bleh. So many negative connotations to the word indecision.

Yes, there may be a valid reason for that. For example: If you can't make up your mind about salvation, that's dangerous. Terribly dangerous, in fact. See, if you never make up your mind, you'll end up burning for all eternity. If that's not a scary thought, I don't know what is. So yeah. Definitely DON'T be indecisive there.

On a lighter note, I hate not knowing what I want, or what I'm supposed to be doing. I hate not being in the loop with what's going on. I hate not being able to pick whether I want pizza or vegan enchiladas while visiting a particular someone and his family. (Heck yes that's a hard choice! On one hand pizza is pizza and therefore pizza is just....*happy sigh* well, perfect, really; but on the other hand vegan enchiladas are healthy and healthy is good and I'm supposed to be promoting healthy things as a naturopath and...and...just bah humbug. Too many choices, I tell you.)

I don't like not being able to make up my mind. I don't like not knowing what to think or do. It drives me mad, actually. Wait, scratch that. Let's rephrase that. It drives me madder.

In the area of romantic relationships and emotional wellbeing, it's torturous. I'm a healthy human eighteen-year-old girl with healthy human eighteen-year-old hormones, after all. What can you expect?
I won't lie. Many moments have been spent praying over how to know what God's will is for me relating to love and marriage. I desperately want to know how I should react to things that have come up. I desperately wish I could figure out my feelings. I don't like being in the dark about my own state of emotional welfare. It's really annoying. I mean, sometimes it feels like I know other people better than I know my own self.

But in this desperation, it's easy to fall into certain traps. Snares like impatience, for example. This is dangerous, because when you are so wrapped up in trying to get an answer from yourself or God, you can end up doing dumb things you regret later.

Okay, so cutting through all the rambling. What am I trying to convey again? I guess what I'm getting at here is that when it comes to falling in love, it's not something that has to happen just all at once and in bright flashing letters. It's fine to be confused about your feelings toward the person you're getting to know. In that first year of the relationship, when you're still in the 'mostly friendship' stage, you don't have to slap a label on your feelings instantly.

"Is this the one? Or is it somebody else?"

"Do I love him(her), or do I not?"

These aren't questions that need immediate answering. Give it time, and continue to seek the guidance of the Lord, as well as the counsel of those wiser than you. Basically, just chill. Don't stress over the unanswered questions. Time will tell. Save yourself a lot of mental gymnastics and leave it in Christ's hands where it belongs.

Sometimes it's okay to be undecided. And sometimes, it's wisest to be undecided.

 

1 Chronicles 16:11.

 

 

 

I leave y'all with an adorable jumping spider who knows how to dress classy. Because, jumping spiders are underappreciated. That is all.

Dangerous Things Are Splendid Things

 

It's a completely random title to go with a completely random post.

 

Can I just say that I am so excited for so many things? Life is always full of new surprises around each bend and corner, but in especially the last several weeks I've had so many things to anticipate.

 

God is exceedingly good to me, and more and more I'm realizing how truly undeserving I am of that Devine goodness.

 

I'm seeing how easily my heart puffs itself up and thinks so highly of its petty accomplishments and successes.

 

You know, I could take today's knife throwing photos and relay it to some sort of allegorical or parable for this post. If I wanted to, that is.

 

 I could try to make them relate somehow to some life familiar lesson - like, how easy it is for me to miss the mark and fall short of God's will and how difficult it can be to get a bulls-eye on fulfilling what He wants me to do, obeying His Word.

 

Yeah, I could write something up on that, couldn't I? Why not?

 

Eh. I don't feel like it today.

 

Sorry. I lost my train of thought. Where was I again?

 

Oh yes.

 

Knife-throwing. It's a reeeeeaaaaally fun sport, and I applaud anybody else who's taken it up and diligently practices. Not saying I'm doing that very...er...well, but I try to get in some time on it each day if I'm not too lazy not to.

 

There's nothing quite like the sound of the blade sinking into the wood.

 

It's music to my ears, the boost to my morale, the peanut to my butter - oh phooey, never mind; I'm sure you got the idea long before my ridiculous analogies began.

 

Wielding my throwers, I feel a sense of...epicness, if you will. Okay, okay, I know that sounds as cheesy as they come. But still. If I actually hit the darn target I feel like a boss.

 

I'm not sure what spurred the urge to take these photos, honestly. People ask me about how my photography is going and I'm just like...My photography?

 

It's been so sporadic, that I hardly dare to call it much of a hobby. It's just something I do, when I get the sensation that I need to capture something in photographic form.

 

Sporadic.

 

Most of my life has been sporadic lately, come to think of it.

 

Gil Hibbens!

 

No seriously, it has. I practice piano sporadically, write sporadically, work out sporadically, do blog posts sporadically. 

 

Gah.

 

 Everything has been done...sporadically.

 

It's not ideal, but in some ways...well, I'm not complaining. It's a season of life which I am thankful for. It's a constant struggle to use my time wisely, try and point others to the Creator and give Him the glory in all that I do. It's a constant struggle.

 

 

 

 And now I'll leave you marvelous peoples with a scene from today which I found quite amusing.

"Fish on!"

 

Okay, that's it.

 

I'm gone.

 

Time to make myself scares on the internet, read my Bible and hopefully get some more writing done on the good ol' screenplay! When I can muster enough diligence and self-control to stay off of social media, (*coughfacebookcough*) I can actually get a lot done...surprising, isn't it?

 

 But don't mind my random ramblings, do tell me about how y'alls summers have been going so far! What's been new with you guys?

 

 

Soli Deo Gloria,

Life Is A Balance

 

I don't know about y'all, but lately my life has been full of reminders.

 

Reminders of how precious time is, and how little of it there really is. Reminders that my childhood is slipping away; and that soon adulthood shall be at my door, beckoning me into its world.

 

This isn't a bad thing., no not at all. Sometimes however I let it drag me down.

I mean, seriously...the time passes so ridiculously quick, does it not?! If you think on it too much it can get you in a mindset of serious depression.

 

If you think on it too much.

And forget to be thankful for the days you've already been blessed with.

 

 

Something else that's been on my heart lately has been the fact that so easily, things in life can get out of balance.

 

One particular activity takes center stage while more important things slip to the back burner.

 

Priorities get misplaced and suddenly you're wasting time on something completely NOT on the schedule.

Unfortunately, it happens oh-so-easily. Without even thinking about it, I manage to do exactly what I

'preach against', so to speak.

 

Lately, I'll admit that I've struggled with misplaced priorities. I've gotten on Facebook and spent way too long there - whether it be chatting with friends, commenting on other peoples' posts or even just scrolling the newsfeed. I've given it too many of my hours, and for what outcome? How will spending so much time on social networking sites benefit me - or others - in the eternity to come?

 

When I spend too much time "connecting" on Facebook, what better, more fruitful activities could I be doing instead?

 

I've also been considering how much time I spend blogging. I currently own four different blogs, and contribute regularly to at least two of them. This has occupied a good portion of my time as well. At least with blogging, I've told myself, I can see visible end-products. I can hope that my posts have touched y'all's hearts and pointed you to the Savior. I can hope that I was able to pass on useful information which might benefit you readers.

 

Still.

 

Which is more important - blogging about God, or actually spending time with Him?

 

Please note - I aim not to condemn anything or anyone, but only to raise some heartfelt questions.

 

If I were to say nothing else but a few more words, I'd say this: Life is a balance.

Everything we do, every choice we make - it's all about balance. You can upset the balance by misplacing priorities and putting important things on the back burner while more trivial items get center stage; or, you can maintain proper balance by making sure the more vital things are accomplished first. And if these things do get accomplished first, everything else will fall into place.

 

Once, several years ago, I was in a season of almost-too-abundant (wait...who am I kidding? My whole life has been way-too-abundantly blessed!!) blessing and I puzzled over why things were that way. Why had God given me such favor?

My mom gave me an interesting answer. "Because you've been putting Him first in your life". (paraphrased)

 

I still believe that all my years have been blessed incredibly beyond what I deserve. I do not exaggerate when I say incredibly blessed. It's just truth plain as that.

However, some days you feel the presence of God more than others. There were days when I felt His presence so incredibly often. I had joy that was indescribable. Sure, I had days when I fell out of whack and didn't give Him the time He deserved, but overall that joy was immense and oh-so-wonderful.

 

I still experience this joy now, but sometimes I wonder if I am subtly pushing my Creator away by the things I do - or don't do - in my days. The choices I make for how I spend my time affect my relationship with Christ. My choices affect my future.

 

Choices are so important. And it's all the more vital that we make the right ones. ANYTHING can be overdone, or had too much time/energy/thought put into it. Anything can be placed out of balanced, prioritized wrongly. Anything that is, besides God and His Word.

So, I know this was a rambling kind of post. Hopefully it wasn't boring or preachy-sounding to you. I have just had these thoughts on my mind and felt led to share them with y'all.

 

On a lighter note, summer is here and I can't wait to go to the beach in a few weeks. Above is a collage of photos from 4-5 years ago at our beach hotel we visit every year for our annual family reunion.

 

This one (yes, I edited it and put a filter on it *grins sheepishly*) was from 3 years ago.

 

Am I the only one who is loving this jumping-in-photos thing? My brothers and I did the whole shebang before it even got popular, as evident above. ^_^ I hope we can take some more fun jumping pictures this year too.

 

What are you looking forward to about summer?

 

Soli Deo gloria,

In Which I Retrieved The Long-Lost Colored Pencils...

 How many of y'all like to draw or sketch?

Personally, I take great pleasure in creating art...of various forms. Whether it be by musical means, by words in my written works, or by using pencil and pen on a piece of blank paper, it is a thoroughly satisfying pastime. 

Mostly I do black and white pencil sketches, some of which you can see by clicking my Art & Illustration page on the top tab of this blog. I used to do a lot more colored pencil work, but lately, it has rather intimidated me and I've been too lazy to try it again; so I've stuck to plain ol' black and white. Which is fine, because I love b/w drawings in general. But God did create a world of color, so it only makes sense that one should use it at some point, does it not? 

So, the other day, I sat down quite at random and decided to retrieve the long-forgotten and long-unused Prismacolor colored pencils I'd used so often, so long ago in my earlier days. By the way, if you ever are looking to get a set of nice, high quality pencils these are definitely my recommendation! They lay down the color so well and the quality is evident immediately. They're a little on the pricier side by so worth it. I have a set of their regular colored pencils, their VeriThin colored pencils, and some of their markers. 

These photos constitute the finished product of my work. (Even though I can never seem to capture my art completely in the original form on camera, no matter what I try!) 

For using mediums I'd not touched for at least a year and a half, I'm pretty happy with this drawing. I know it has a lot of things which could be improved (let me know if you have some honest advice on how to do this!)  but I guess that's the case with just about anything one does, isn't it?

SO. I'd love to hear what you thought of this! And, like I said, if you have any ideas or tips on improvement of future colored pencil art, I'd love to hear it!

Be on the lookout for more review posts coming soon... there should be another one probably this Saturday or Friday.

OH, and before I forget, let me tell you about today's praise report!! I got my accordion fixed! A wonderful lady named Rose drove up two hours just to help me get the job done. I'm so thankful! Praise be to God for His provision and blessings which never cease!! He is so good!! Another answered prayer. Never doubt His planning because He knows exactly what He's doing!!

Hope y'all are having as blessed a day as I am!

Seven Billion {WriterlyWednesday}

{this is an abbreviated version of a song I wrote two days ago}

 

 

"Seven Billion"

By Leah K. Oxendine

 

 

Coffee brown skies, and coal black sidewalks,

Yellow taxi-cabs racing down the street.

Millions of people brushing past me,

And I forget whether I’m coming or going.

Welcome to New York City, welcome to a hurting land.

The neon lights are burning bright, but

They can’t hide the darkness thriving here.

 

Seven billion people on planet earth,

Seven billion lives of incredible worth

Seven billion souls in this world, and how many of seven billion have truly heard?

How many lives have been touched?

By hands reaching out, spreading God’s Holy Word?

 

How many souls have been told the Good News?

And how they can be saved from hell and what Jesus can do?

Seven billion, that’s a pretty huge number,

 but the Lord made us all incredibly unique and special.

As children of God, we’ve been given a task,

to spread the gospel to as many as we can.

 

Towering pine trees and fields of green,

prettiest landscape that I ever did see.

Horse farms scattered all across the county,

rolling down the road, pick-up trucks and dualees.

Welcome to Fairfield Florida, welcome to a needy land

The stars, they shine in the clear night sky, but they can’t hide the darkness dwelling here.

 

What are we doing, sitting here;

drowning in the waters of our own fears?

Why do we worry, what others think?

Why do we let that worry stop us from witnessing?

Why do we worry about others’ thoughts?

When we step outside our comfort zones we step into God’s.

-

 

I stayed up till' 4 in the morning to write that. O_O Scary, right? Well, when God gives you inspiration, you can't just dump it because of what time of day it is.

I'm pretty pleased with it. Maybe one of these days I'll stop being lazy and try to record it somehow so you can hear it. I wrote it mainly with intentions of using it in our church band, so if you REALLY wanna hear it you just need to come to our church sometime! XD

 

Apologies for not posting anything lately. Life is hectic as always and I've been trying to cut how much time I spend on the computer so I can spend more time with my family, God, and instruments. :D I am planning to post something for FabHealthFriday this week however, about natural deodorants! How exciting, no? Heheh.

 

 

Have a blessed day! What's new with y'all this week? I'd love to hear about it!

Nothing Left to Say

(Taken when I was 14- Sorry for a random, old picture, I'd upload something more recent and exciting except Blogger won't let me upload new photos for some reason. Grr....)

-

I keep falling, I keep falling down/If you could only save me, I'm drowning in the waters of my soul/I'm giving up, I'm giving up, hey hey, giving up now.

Imagine Dragons' song "Nothing Left to Say" has really been hitting home to me in my life today. You know how some days go really well, others go simply awesome and, sometimes, you get a day that's about one degree away from utter perfection? I'd love to tell you that today I experienced one of those days.

But that would be lying.

Today was actually the worst day I've had this year. I don't know why exactly and the reasons I have figured I need not go into detail with. But I truly have been "falling down, drowning in the waters of my soul."

Without God, this could be true for every day of our lives. It's only when I get off track from His will that I find myself in this situation, drowning. I know that I've been doing some things which are not what He would want me to be doing, so I can only blame myself.

Do you ever feel like you've confessed to God the same sin literally hundreds upon hundreds of times? This is another thing I've been struggling with, and if not dealt with properly, it can eventually lead to drowning.

I've come to the position and conclusion that as the song says, it's true. There's nothing left to say.

The Lord didn't save me because of what I did, but what He did.

When I ask for forgiveness of my sins, He forgives me because His mercy is never-ending, not because of my mere human words or what I do to try and prove myself.

There's nothing left to say.

You just have to surrender to God, admit you were wrong and thank Him for His ever-so-abundant mercies. That's all. You don't need to go into lengthy detail, just ask His forgiveness, and mean it.

Ask Him to help you repent, and He will. But you have to LET Him. This is very challenging in itself.

And here's where we come to letting go, giving up.

"I'm giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now."

Give up those emotions of hatred, anger, resentment, bitterness, heartbreak, whatever they may be.

Give them up entirely. Don't let any smidgen remain in your soul. Let Him take them away, wipe your slate clean.

There's nothing left to say.

Don’t Let The World See My Bleeding Heart

Today....well, I praise God for another day He has given me to live. He has already demonstrated bountiful blessings and mercies today, and all of those I am so thankful for.

I will admit....some of them I am still trying to learn to be grateful for. Let's just say today's also been filled with gallons and gallons of testing and trial.

I have no room to complain on any of the trials I've been going through, because in comparison they are....hardly worthy to be called tribulations. But none-the-less, they are there and they have been giving me quite a time. I guess the Lord is allowing satan the tempt me. Which I am thankful for. Because it shows that the devil is angry with me, I must be doing something right, to be making him mad like that.

But seriously....literally a minute after I finished prayers this morning, BAM! A huge patience test hits me in the face and I flunk it.

Things got progessively worse but the Lord helped me climb out of my mess I'd created. He's still helping me. Today's not even half-way done yet, so I must continue on. I must.

I wrote a poem. Haven't been writing much poetry lately but once in awhile, the inspiration will pop in and I am forced to write it down. Can't stand losing inspiration when it happens, you know. :)

So here it is.

“Bleed in Secret”

Oh, I’m fallin’ down,

Oh I feel alone.

Oh I need some help cause

 I can’t do this on my own.

Find myself running,

Trying to get away.

From everything around me,

I try to hide my face.

Don’t want them to see me crying,

Can’t let them see the tears.

Don’t want them to know I’m suffering

They don’t need to know my fears.

Abba, Father, I need You

No one else would understand.

No one sees the hurt within me

You alone can see within.

You know my heart is breaking

I feel it ripping apart.

But Father, please, I beg you,

Don’t let the world see my bleeding heart.

Don’t let my suffering become their suffering

Oh please, let it stop right with me.

While I ache and endure this hardship,

Let it be as if they never knew

What I am going through.

-

So maybe you read it and you're perplexed about what the heck I'm talking about....I mean, bleeding in secret? "Leah, are you into self-injury/cutting yourself now or something??"

No. I respect my body too much for that. This poem is referring to how when we go through trials, there are times when we need to...go through them in a way that doesn't cause others to have to suffer, too.

I don't want to enflict the pain and suffering that I'm currently going through on those around me. They don't need that. Yes, it's good to vent it out sometimes, but as Solomon said very wisely, "there's a time for everything." If I'm angry about something, I don't need to let my anger seep out and soil the day around me. I must allow God to cut it from my heart, bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut when I want to snap back at somebody.

If I'm in pain, physically and/or emotionally, I need to keep that pain to myself. In this season of my life, that's what I need to do. Just gotta bite the bullet and be strong.

The world doesn't need to see my tears.

What have you been struggling with lately? I hope the Lord has been guiding you through whatever it may be.

Blessings,

So My Mind Went Blank.....

....on titles for this post, at least. I thought about calling it something very specific relating to the topic I am going to write on today, but then I remembered I would probably be adding in a ton of other random tidbits that won't fit under the title's caption very well. Oh, forget about the title, who cares? I'll stop yakking about nonsense and get to the heart of this post.

SOO...you're probably wondering WHAT in all creation this is about? Guess. Really. YES, really!  I want to see your responses about this. Ooh! Idea! I should have a caption contest!! :D

But before that...did I ever tell you I am a lumberjack sometimes? Ok, well, maybe that's a little overstated, but...hey...it's fun to be dramatic in what words you use. ;) So maybe I'm not working 9-5 in a lumber mill, or cutting down 90 ft.-tall pines. And my biceps are certainly not the size of Paul Bunyan's.

However, I did work a good bit out in the west-side garden. (We have several garden plots on property, this was just one of them) Florida has two main seasons for growing vegetables. Spring/early summer, and winter. The latter is our biggest, because the bugs aren't so terrible and the heat not so insanely oven-like.

I just love winter. Everything about it. Getting to wear hoodies, long sleeved shirts and jackets. Being able to wear my cowboy boots without people looking at me funny, because, well, I adore my cowboy boots, and wear them year-long. Even in 100 degree heat.

What else is there to love about the cooler season? I could go on and on...writing in my book, a cup of hot chocolate in hand next to the fireplace. Bonfires and roasting marshmellows. Night-time hide and seek with the boys. Going running, and feeling the epic combination of sweat and cold, evening breeze. Oh, I am looking forward to it.

 You are probably thinking, "oh, a snow picture! maybe it was from a freak snow storm in FL!" Guess again. This was in 'Bama two years ago on a visit to  some of our friends. FL don't get no snow here. :P

FL is practically 98% boiling hot and 2% mildly chilly, in comparison to other northern states. Last year, our winter was...puh...barely a winter, it was so mild. Our veggies were pretty enemic because of that factor. Cool-weather veggies need COOL WEATHER. Not 80 degree days in mid-January.

SO. I am hoping and hoping and hoping that 2012 will finish the year off with a nice, COLD winter.

Ok, so I took a bunny-trail there and lost my place. I was supposed to be telling you about my lumberjack career, wasn't I? ;) So as I was saying, the cool season for planting vegetables is here, and I've been working on getting the soil all tilled up and prepared for planting. Clay, as hard as it is to work with, broken down and worked, can actually produce good, rich soil. Ours is actually pretty nice right now and I think it's ready for the seeds. But what I worked on specifically yesterday, was the fence surrounding the west garden.

Random fact of the day: I put up both garden fences that are in existence today. All by myself. About two years ago. With a post-hole digger, shovel, axe and saw. Got 'er done decent enough. But, two years later, those same fences are falling apart and the chicken wire is all warped and mangled from weather and 4 brothers who try to jump over/climb/hit baseballs against it.

So it's time for a new means of keeping the dogs out. What means would this be? Take a look at this picture I snapped at Mount Vernon last week. 

As you can see, the concept is stacking wood in a strategic manner, sort of like Lincoln-Logs.

How the heck did this relate to my lumberjack comment? I will now explain. Obviously to have logs, one must either 1., go buy the wood, or 2., cut it yourself. I did number two there. Had some old trees in the woods that I chopped into logs and then stacked to form a fence. Quite a good bit of axing there, and today my arms are feeling it.  Got about a quarter of the whole thing done. It looks pretty good so far despite the mess surrounding the area...old chicken wire, old wood posts I had to pull up, tools, oh it's a fine mess right now.  Daddy's not too happy about it, either. :P

SO now you know about the lumberjack thing.

Gosh, I spent wayyy too long talking about that. The main thing I wanted to say today was...well. I'll just tell you right now.

Do you ever wonder if God truly forgives you when you mess up? I do, all the time. It's one of my most constant worries these days. I mess up...so often. Y'all know that, some, more than others. My family? They know it...well...I'll just leave it there. :P
So, I flunk and mess up quite often. What happens then? I go to God, (and, if it was a specific other person I wronged, them too) and ask forgiveness. And leave it there.

BUT....is that truly all I must do? It's been a struggle to believe this entirely, and not worry to death over it, but the answer...is yes. Leave it. Forget about it. Trust me, satan's going to make that last bit hard to do. I have been struggling with a particular sin lately, and he keeps reminding me about how I've flunked so bad in it. Get behind me, satan.

He tries to rub in my failures, like rubbing acid into a wound. And I must cast him out in the Name of Jesus, ignoring his spiteful words.

I must trust one-hundred-percent that God DOES forgive when He says He does. When I go to Him, begging His forgiveness. He forgives. I choose to accept that. That's all I can do, anyway.

At church today, I was only reminded all the more that He really does forgive. He is an awesome God, and incredibly merciful to His children. Aren't you just so in awe of that? What He does for us every day?

Even now, He is advocating for us in Heaven, even now, He is protecting and preserving us.

I will never ever be able to thank Him for all that He's done for me, entirely. There is no end to the praises and thanks He is worthy of receiving.

Hope y'all have had a blessed Sunday so far, I certainly have!

Con amor,