It was a tsunami that has left me stunned, numbed and speechless. I still can't believe it's nearly gone, and I still can't believe all that happened within these 365 days.
Not gonna lie, I've had pleasanter years. 2015 was exhilarating and bombastic. It was full of beautiful moments and wonderful memories.
But I also made mistakes, had my heart broken a few times and cried myself to sleep more times than I can count. Along with the good memories, there are plenty of times I wish I could forget. Things I wish I hadn't said, bad choices I made. I wandered away from God many times.
I feel like I was a prodigal child this year in my relationship with the Lord. Still, as I draw back closer to Him, His grace and peace only becomes sweeter.
Even amidst those painful experiences and messes I got myself into, there is still a silver lining. I learned valuable lessons which I will never forget, and you can mark my word, I won't be making the same mistakes again. I am a stronger person for having gone through 2015. Parts of me may have been broken, but I know these scars do not define me. When you look at me, don't think that I presume to know everything or imagine myself to be immaculate. Don't look surprised when you find out I've taken some hits and botched things up.
I was just a shattered vessel that the Lord pieced back together with love and patience. I'm no longer broken because He has won the victory for me and He has pulled me out of the ashes. I'm not the same girl you knew last year. I'm a work in progress. God is writing my story, and I'm just trying to go where He leads.
So, from this perspective, 2015 was like a piece of kintsukuroi - broken Japanese pottery that is pieced back together with gold. In the end, the pottery is even more beautiful for having been broken.
Some of the highlights from 2015 included but were not limited to -
♪ many amazing reenactments and improving my reenacting impressions vastly
♪ taking up snare drumming for reenacting, creating my female soldier impression
♪ my very first individual piano concert
♪ lots of piano teaching
♪ lots of instruction with my own piano teacher
♪ lots of adventures traveling and exploring new places with people I care about
♪ lots of trips to get coffee with mom
♪ starting a beautiful courtship with my best male friend
♪ revising The Rebels of Florida, to be completely historically accurate
♪ started brainstorming other new book ideas
♪ got to go to lots of dances
♪ started up my own local monthly contra dance group
♪ got my first car
♪ went shooting, canoeing, camping, and hiked everywhere possible
♪ got paid to do my biggest art commission ever
♪ got to meet two of my distance writing friends, Lauren and Carilyn in person
♪ our family had a cow for a little while
♪ got to hear/see the Piano Guys in person
from when our dear friends visited
reenacting memories
McIntosh contra
Gainesville contra, for the first time together
my ride!
before-Maygan's-wedding girls' day out
My best friend's wedding happened <3
With one of my piano students at the first recital I coordinated
playing with the Morses at Ocali Country Days
possibly my favorite picture of the year
canoe trips with him are the best
My favorite commission yet
Southern Lights playing at the Micanopy festival
Southern Lights playing at the McIntosh fall festival
from the visit with my dear friend Carilyn
teaching my brothers their anatomy got kinda crazy
he's into daredevil, i'm into river tam and shiny
korean writings - i think this will be my motto this year
Anyways, there you go!
It was a memorable year. Here's to twenty-sixteen being remarkably better, and much more full of Christ. ♪ ♥
Aggression leaves its
mark in the lines on our faces
Some days we’re proud
of them, and some days we hate it.
I run, but it’s not from someone else I try to hide
I cry, but it’s not from the rolling thunder in the night sky
I fight, but it’s not against a person the eyes can behold,
It’s against that blue-eyed girl staring back in the mirror.
We have good days and
bad, but deep down we’re always searching
For an answer to a
question that’s beyond our understanding
Cause’ the pain
inside won’t go away, without some kind of remedy
And when we try to
fix it ourselves, the medicine only turns to poison.
I run, but it’s not from someone else I try to hide
I cry, but it’s not from the rolling thunder in the night sky
I fight, but it’s not against a person the eyes can behold,
It’s against that blue-eyed girl staring back in the mirror.
Who knew the greatest
enemy, could be the essence of humanity
At our greatest, we
just amount to failure.
Can’t you see the
pain that we’re all trying to hide?
Do you understand the
mighty torrent raging deep inside?
On earth, where can I find the remedy?
If it were here, wouldn't it be clear to see?
Earth provides not solutions - just clues, pointing Above, subtle signs
And the essence of humanity overlooks them all the time.
///
This is a song I wrote earlier in the year when I was going through 'my personal hell'. I didn't really finish it into a piece that I'd feel comfortable actually singing in front of someone, but I think that the conclusion is clear regardless.
We can't fix ourselves.
It has to be Christ.
A supernatural intervention from the Creator of the Universe is the only way to cure the human soul's devolving condition.
// A result of random urges to write at 2 AM. Yes, it's somewhat dark. //
These Walls
These walls house two people, and them two people don’t get
along
These walls house two enemies, and they wage war, oh they
wage war
Welcome to a morbid home, these walls are covered in blood
Welcome to a battleground, a less-than-peaceful abode.
These windows are clouded, because the people always fight
These windows are a mirror to the darkness and the light
What a pity, what a shame. You wouldn’t understand their
little game
They’re both fighting to get out, and if you listen close
you can hear them shout.
Between these blue eyes you see,
There’s an entire world underneath
And beneath this
convincing smile
There’s a scheming crocodile
Inside this cranium, inside this heart
There’s no vacancy, that’s for sure.
Would you run if you
knew, that behind these eyes of blue
These walls house more
than one mind, and there’s a war, oh there’s a war inside
Would you think that I’m
a freak, if all within me were to speak
Would you run if you
could see, that there are two of me?
I told her to get lost, there’s no room in this little house
But she said she got a plan of her own, and these walls can’t
hold us both
So I drew my sword and she drew her sword, and we fought it
out right there
We painted the walls with blood, oh in our morose abode
These windows are tinted, so that nobody can look within
They’d see two girls fighting in a symphony of sin
These windows are a portal to a chaotic world below
Sometimes it’s beautiful, and sometimes it’s a warzone
Between these eyes of cerulean,
There’s a constant struggle to be free
And behind this sun-kissed face
Is another girl in another space
No vacancy in this heart, no room in this mind
Too many occupants fighting for time
Would you run if you
knew, that behind these eyes of blue
These walls house more
than one mind, and there’s a war, oh there’s a war inside
Would you think that I’m
a freak, if all within me were to speak
Would you run if you
could see, that there are two of me?
And would it scare you
to know, that I’ve embraced it so
These walls house two
of us, and we’re rising from the dust
When we aren’t fighting,
we are strong – we create the harmony in our song
When I stretch my
wings, look to the sky, because it takes the two of us to fly
This is a strange little house, a strange little heart
But sometimes the occupants paint brilliant works of art
There is gold amid the crimson; stars in the darkened night
Because together, our minds as one, we’re victors in
our fight.
//
So yeah. This is what it's like to have two personalities (and more) in your mind.
Sometimes I hate it, sometimes it makes me stronger. If I don't render it to Christ, give Him full control, I'm always on the ground, crawling, and it's hard to see if I'm moving forward or not.
For centuries, it's
been acknowledged that humanity is its own worst enemy.
Within each human mind is
a constant struggle between voices of good and evil. Some people consider
themselves to have split personalities. What if, in a certain dimension,
this became more than just a mental battle? What if the voices had physical
bodies just like us? What if your split personality had a body and its own
free will?
In 17-year-old Lotus' world, not everyone has the ability to recognize that the
greatest adversary lies within their own skins. Only a small remnant of
the human race have obtained the power to see their alter-egos in action as
they go about causing all sort of pandemonium. To those who haven't been
burdened with this ability, this skill is seen as a curse, a mental disease.
But to those who are able to see the Speculum Carnis (Latin for "mirror
self"), or Specks, it's no joke. Specks are dark, dangerous creatures
which possess no mercy or justice. As the complete opposite of good, they are
responsible for everything evil in the world. Lotus is one of the few who can
see the Specks, and it haunts her daily. According to the tradition of the
Speck viewers, when she encounters her own mirror-self she must destroy it, or
it will destroy her. The only problem is, Lotus kind of likes her Speck.
Sometimes she hears her Speck's voice echoing in her mind. It's weird, but the
two share a bond which Lotus can't figure out. It isn't normal to bond with
one's hated mirror-image. But how can Lotus kill a part of herself?
***
This, my dears, is the beginnings of a fabulously random novel idea which came to me around 2AM (don't ask why 2AM) the other morning whilst I was listening to thissssss. *points below*
Chase The Light | Two Steps from Hell
I demand that you listen to it. You absolutely must. Seriously, just listen okay? And ideally, you listen while reading that synopsis up there, just so's you get a small picture of what my inspiration was while writing it.
This stuff is just freaking. uber. amazing.
Of course, whenever is TSFH not??!?!
Anywaysss yeah.
So my imagination was soaring, searching for a way to manifest something epic to correspond with this music. I don't know about y'all but when I listen to epic orchestral music it makes me want to go do big, epic things. Like, transport myself into one of my book worlds, fly one of my griffins, and overthrow all the other-dimension evil dictators. That, or run a marathon. Or save somebody's life. Or something.
After listening to it on repeat several dozen times, Self Destruct popped into my head out of thin air. (The title itself actually came the next day.) Like, literally, my mind was a messy soup of discombobulating thought processes one moment, and the next minute, voila, look what we have here....
Music is so powerful. Who needs drugs and junk like that when you have brilliant music to listen to?
"My death is inevitable. At the end of the day, there's just one thing I can count on.
I will die, sooner or later. In some way, part of me will be gone. The question is not if I survive - but which side of me will remain? What if that creature out there - my mirror self who I've shared so many memories with - overtakes me? What if she wins? What would the world be like without the good version of me?"
// random snippet I threw together for a GTW Facebook post //
"Dare I admit she's as evil as they say? Dare I admit that this horrific monster is actually a part of me?"
***
Like a lot of other poor writerly souls, I have a, shall we say, 'slight' Pinterest addiction and a thing for making boards for all my current books/story ideas.
Therefore, I instantly whipped up a nifty little board for Self Destruct. More pins to come. (That's a fact Jack!)
What do you peeps think? Is this a weird idea or does it actually have potential to be something epic? I'm not sure myself at this time, but I must admit I'm pretty darn excited to see what happens with it. There are soooo many different Biblical analogies I'm eager to employ. Oh yes, and did I mention crazy plot twists and surprise endings? Hehe. Of course. I thrive on those.
Before I depart, I wanted to share another song I found that is also super chill. It reminds me of the whole dreams-based premise of If Dante Had Wings. (another book-in-the-making of mine, in case you didn't know) Anything that reminds me of one of my novel projects instantly makes me happy. ^_^ So, give it a listen. You're welcome, in advance.
Days Turn Into Nights | Delerium (Seven Lions Remix)
***
Hope y'all are having a very blessed week! Take time to enjoy the little things in every day, and always bloom where you're planted! ♪
our new truck! A fabulous F100 1965 Ford!!!! Such a classy way to get around.
Life is full of strange things. Strange events. Strange people.
Quite often you encounter all of the above at some point in your life. All too commonly, you find yourself stuck smack dab in the midst of the threesome.
And sometimes, you just happen to be a major component of the strangeness yourself.
You're not just one of those strange people, you're an anomaly.
You just don't fit in.
Whether or not you want to mesh with what the world around you is doing doesn't matter. Because no matter what you try, you always stick out like a sore thumb. You're always swimming against the current, you're the fruit loop in a bowl of cheerios.
Am I sounding melodramatic, just a tad?
Who am I kidding. Of course I am.
I would know about what it's like to be an odd soul. And to be honest, I embrace my weirdness.
But sometimes it gets to be a little much, even for myself. Sometimes I not only drive the people around me insane, but my own self gets perturbed by my unexplainable mannerisms and anima.
I puzzle myself, frankly.
They say it's not uncommon for a young woman my age to have issues dealing with emotion. They say it's perfectly normal, in fact.
But sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I deliberate if I somehow ended up with 300% more emotion than I should have for my stage of life.
I'm going to be honest and transparent, here. You've been warned.
Earlier this week, I felt like a freakshow. Detached from reality and all that is normal and acceptable. When you end up in emotional breakdowns in front of your entire family (which composes of five males and only one other female, by the way) over and over, and have no control over each event whatsoever, you start feeling terrible for those dear people who must endure your traumatic episodes. When they ask you why you're always crying, you feel like an alien. Because there's no way they'll ever understand.
You start to hate yourself for being so different, for feeling things the other have no idea about.
This is my struggle. I am my greatest enemy - aside from satan, that is.
I can't overcome myself without Christ. The only way I've found to pull myself out of this mire of self-hatred, depression and confusion is to stop and hand it over to my Maker. Because He's the only one who'll ever truly understand how I tick, what makes me who I am. With His help, and through dwelling on His Word, I see that I'm not really such a freak even though I feel like one time and time again. I see that I'm so incredibly blessed beyond my understanding, and that I have an overabundance of things to be grateful for 24/7. Most importantly, I learn I mustn't dwell on myself. I mustn't give rise to the flesh which demands I hate my own existence. It's a satanic notion, self-hatred.
Bottom line? How comforting to know I can always go to Christ, no matter what the circumstance. And as His daughter, I am also an overcomer. I may fall down, but I'll always be able to get on my feet again because "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Don't let the number of times you fall outnumber the number of times you stand back up.
random photo from Brooksville that I found and thought looked neat.
Anywayyy. End of random rant concerning the internal struggle of life...that probably either bored you to death or freaked you out...erm. Yeah. Moving on!
Last week, we at Southern Lights had the privilege of getting to play up at the Olustee reenactment. The battle of Olustee/Ocean Pond was the largest battle that took place in Florida during the War Between the States. Naturally, this is the therefore the largest Civil War reenactment in the Sunshine State.
It was incredible.
We interrupt the regularly planned programing for an awesome map of my Reheboam world, made on GIMP by Brian McBride. ^_^
That weekend, my parents left on a business trip to Louisiana, leaving me in charge. Of course, I couldn't bring the boys along on the Olustee excursion, so my wonderful grandparents came to watch them while I was gone. Thank you Mammy and Pappy! ♥
My day Saturday started at 4:00 in the morning, unintentionally. I set my alarm for 5:30 but somehow woke up miraculously early...don't ask how. Of course, I also had trouble getting to sleep Friday night, so maybe that had something to do with it. Pre-reenactment bubblies and excitement I guess.
My lovely friends and I with the kitchen as a fabulous, historically accurate backdrop...hahaha
Mammy snapped this and I didn't even know it. Hahaha, I guess we were just getting ready to leave the house.
The weather was awesome - chilly, just the way I like it. When you're lugging instruments around most of the day and wearing a lot of fabric, you tend to appreciate the cooler weather.
It's a no-brainer why we don't have reenactments in the summer here in FL.
Spectators waiting for the battle to unfold.
We were blessed to get to play at the Ladies' Tea in front of an audience of 70 or so women and girls. Also, we played in the sutlers area and people seemed to enjoy our music. It's so wonderful to know that you can make people smile and be blessed through your work!
We even got a good deal of tips, which helped with the gas and food costs later.
so much epic cavalry-ness
man I love this picture. That gun!
artillery
The actual battle was epic of course. Only, since they were trying to show a little of how it actually happened 150 years ago, most of the soldiers were fighting out in the woods where we couldn't see them. Which was a bummer. Thankfully they ventured closer at times. And the cannons were always going off.
Two of my favorite things at reenactments are the artillery, and the drum and fife playing as the units do their processions through the camps.
I like the composition of this one.
BOOM! I hope they're wearing earplugs!
Rebel pride.
Emerging from the haze.
And here is the one photo that I found decent of at the ball later in the evening. Kay took it, you can see Maygan there in the middle.
The map I used for my route to get to Olustee. I do love maps. They've always fascinated me, and I tell you this - I'm not a GPS person. I will use a good ol' fashioned map over one of those unpredictable devices any day.
Ahh, and speaking of driving. Arguably the most traumatizing element of the whole day and trip was the time spent in the car. It was about a two hour drive up, since we got mixed up and went down a wrong road when the actual event location was less than a mile down the street. -_-
And later, as we drove to Lake City to get some grub for supper, (we went to Chick-fil-A again as that is our refuge for reenactment excursions now) it got extremely stressful.
Let's get a couple things straight. See that little box on the map along the highlighted route, which reads "231"? You'd never know such an innocent looking road could be so treacherous.
For miles and miles it was one big stretch of absolutely nothing. Literally no signs of human life anywhere, and this is no exaggeration. All you see is an endless stretch of pine trees on either side of the road...it's smack dab in the midst of a national forest. In the daytime it's tolerable, but at night in the dark? Nooooo. It's hard enough driving in a place you're not familiar with.
See, somehow we got off the original road (90) and went down 231 towards the homeward-route. Basically wasted a good bit of gas on a completely-out-of-the-way passage.
I ended up having a panic attack halfway down that blasted road, as we left Lake City to get back to the reenactment site for the evening ball. It was ridiculous. I was literally desperate to see another vehicle or some lights or anything. It was a mini praise session when we finally got back to the little four-way in Olustee!!!
I will never forget the horror of driving down that vile road.
But the ball was worth all the trauma of 231. I got to dance the entire evening! Learned many new contra dances and had a genuinely wonderful time. I did end up getting asked out, which threw me pretty bad, but ehhh such is life I guess. New experiences to add to the book of life, right?
But seriously for anybody who might be wondering...no, I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I don't do the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It doesn't even make sense to me. And when the time comes that I do start 'looking', it will be for a Godly man who I will spend the rest of my life with. Not just a boyfriend.
So are we clear on that? Good.
Last but not least, I present a little photomanip/collage I did of some of my favorite characters from If Dante Had Wings.
Speaking of which, I'm now on chapter six of that. My writing moments ever since January have been devoted to this novel, and then recently I started rewriting The Rebels of Florida.
Ever since I began revamping some of the basic plots in TROF, drastic changes have unfolded. Characters have evolved - changed so much it's almost scary.
Zephyr, who used to be "Emma", the main character girl for example. She's gone from somewhat wall-flowerish, fantasizing softee to outspoken, overly-emotional survivor. Basically, her new self is a lot more kick-butt. All the characters are, really.
One of TROF's characters - Sybil. The picture on the right shows her 'before-revamping' version, and the one on the left her 'current' state.
Not kick-butt in the sense of the modern day 'strong' female lead that always has things under control and never sheds a tear(gosh, don't we all hate that stereotype?) but in the sense that, if you lived in this state during 1863, you had to have grit, and lots of it. Florida for most of history has been a wild, undeveloped jungle overflowing with peril.
Women didn't wear big fancy silk ball gowns and trounce around with slaves doting on their every whim and wish. The term 'southern belle'? Not applicable in this state, sorry. Unless your definition of southern belle is a trouser-wearing ranch woman who could cook anything she put her mind to (snakes, raccoons, wild pokeweed shoots, etc.) for the sake of the basic survival of her family. If she owned a dress it was probably made of calico or some other cheap fabric.
This is a general assumption of what I've read of pre-development Florida culture.
And this is what you'll find in TROF, for the most part.
Anyway! So where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Character development - er - change. It's certainly made the editing/rewrite process of TROF way more interesting.
So there you have it! A fairly detailed account of some of the most notable events that have happened in my life recently.
I leave you fabulously patient people with an awesome song from Imagine Dragons that you've probably not heard before because for some weird reason it hasn't really been promoted that much apparently. *shakes head*
