// A Tribute to Nathan Laredo & Sophrona Nassau, the dearly-spellcheck-dubbed "Firestone Couple" //
When it was just me, life was awful.
The moment you came along, life turned amazing.
Now that you're gone, there's no life at all.
***
I've been so conflicted about The Rebels of Florida lately. Actually. To be completely honest, it hasn't been on my mind very much at all, period. Which is really sad just in itself. *sniff*
But time has been lacking. What time I have has been put to use in finishing my studies for the ICR courses, when on the computer, anyhow. And then I have the Conservatory, and piano students. And I try to keep in shape. Then of course, you have chores and meal-prep, and calls with my 'foil'. *youknowwhoyouare/insertrandomnoncreepywink* So yeah. Doesn't leave much time for writing.
And then there's lack of motivation. See, I have a decent query letter written up, thank to the help of some brilliant writerly friends, but now I have the darn synopsis to contend with.
Just why on earth did I ever have to decide on writing a book that had five MCs in it?!
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
You know why?
Because I was twelv years old when this thing got started. That's why.
Twelve-year-olds do weird things. Eighteen-year-olds do weird things too, but I like to think I've gotten at least a little more logical since then. And if not more logical, at least....well, I like to think I have a decent head on my shoulders - when that head isn't controlled by a body full of raging hormones.
So now I'm stuck with a melodramatic child/book that's just about as dear to me as an appendage.
An appendage that's mine, anyways. Not just any random, disconnected appendage. That would be weird.
*cough*
So yeah. This melodramatic book I called my baby.
TROF.
It kills me, but I love it to death. It's destroyed my already instable emotional wellbeing, and yet I've devoted so much of my life to its eventual success.
What would I do without it? Who knows. Maybe I'd have mastered the piano by now. Perhaps I'd have written a whole other series because I didn't have to focus on rewriting so much, and historical accuracy issues.
But maybe a big piece of me would also be gone. Maybe my ability to express my feelings toward life would be hindered. Maybe a section of my heart would be missing.
I don't want to know. I love this thing too much to let it go.
Must. Write. Synopsis. Must. Write. Synopsis. And. It. Can't. Be. Lame.
A book six years in the making cannot have a lame synopsis, whatsoever. It just can't.
Oh yeah. And then when I was driving home today from Conservatory, I turned on the radio and heard one of the saddest, most tragic songs ever.
// Stay High (Habits) by Tove Lo //
"gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind."
It's like the epitome of human nature, conveyed in three minutes and twenty-nine seconds. Humanity is constantly searching for a healing balm for our souls. We all want someone to cherish and love us. We want to cherish and love back. And we will do whatever it takes to find some form of this. The thing is, we settle for cheap, plastic forms of 'love' which don't count. We settle for momentary pleasure over life-long commitment because we don't trust in God's planning, or we aren't interested to know what that planning even is. We settle for momentary pain-killers that don't really kill the pain. We're just so desperate for something.
This song conveys that well. Drown out everything, do whatever it takes to forget. Even if it means sleeping with a different guy every night, and drinking all your money away. Just do what it takes.
So yeah. From a spiritual aspect, this song stinks. And it might get you in a downer kind of mood.
At the same time, you know what ran across my head when I listened to the chorus a few times?
"Oh my stars. This is so Nathan."
And then I was reminded of those final chapters. Those chapters I wrote last year, right around this time, in fact. Funny how times passes and you forget things like that.
As I listened, I pictured the opening of Frayed Horizons. (TROF'S sequel) I look at Nathan's jaded brown eyes and see the wrinkles permanently etched in his forehead. His mouth is carved into a straight line, he stares straight ahead at nothing; his visage transparent to the deadness inside him. Nothing numbs the pain. Soon, there's no pain to numb. You can't numb something that has no feeling.
When seen in this light, suddenly this song became 10x sadder. Before I knew it, I had tears forming in my eyes. Amazing how quickly emotion can be evoked over one simple song and its potential connotations. Gahhhhhhhh. Haaaaalp meeeeeh. WID (writing induced depression) is on the verge of returning.
When it was just me, life was awful.
The moment you came along, life turned amazing.
Now that you're gone, there's no life at all.
Nathan, I'm truly sorry. I am. I promise. I'm not lying. It....may be hard to believe, but I hate what happened to you. I truly do. Okay, so you don't have to believe me. Whatever. But at least you heard it from my own lips.
Just trust me on this one. It will get better. I promise.
(Yeah, I think it's generally against wisdom to write random unsolicited blog posts at 2:00 in the morning.)
our new truck! A fabulous F100 1965 Ford!!!! Such a classy way to get around.
Life is full of strange things. Strange events. Strange people.
Quite often you encounter all of the above at some point in your life. All too commonly, you find yourself stuck smack dab in the midst of the threesome.
And sometimes, you just happen to be a major component of the strangeness yourself.
You're not just one of those strange people, you're an anomaly.
You just don't fit in.
Whether or not you want to mesh with what the world around you is doing doesn't matter. Because no matter what you try, you always stick out like a sore thumb. You're always swimming against the current, you're the fruit loop in a bowl of cheerios.
Am I sounding melodramatic, just a tad?
Who am I kidding. Of course I am.
I would know about what it's like to be an odd soul. And to be honest, I embrace my weirdness.
But sometimes it gets to be a little much, even for myself. Sometimes I not only drive the people around me insane, but my own self gets perturbed by my unexplainable mannerisms and anima.
I puzzle myself, frankly.
They say it's not uncommon for a young woman my age to have issues dealing with emotion. They say it's perfectly normal, in fact.
But sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I deliberate if I somehow ended up with 300% more emotion than I should have for my stage of life.
I'm going to be honest and transparent, here. You've been warned.
Earlier this week, I felt like a freakshow. Detached from reality and all that is normal and acceptable. When you end up in emotional breakdowns in front of your entire family (which composes of five males and only one other female, by the way) over and over, and have no control over each event whatsoever, you start feeling terrible for those dear people who must endure your traumatic episodes. When they ask you why you're always crying, you feel like an alien. Because there's no way they'll ever understand.
You start to hate yourself for being so different, for feeling things the other have no idea about.
This is my struggle. I am my greatest enemy - aside from satan, that is.
I can't overcome myself without Christ. The only way I've found to pull myself out of this mire of self-hatred, depression and confusion is to stop and hand it over to my Maker. Because He's the only one who'll ever truly understand how I tick, what makes me who I am. With His help, and through dwelling on His Word, I see that I'm not really such a freak even though I feel like one time and time again. I see that I'm so incredibly blessed beyond my understanding, and that I have an overabundance of things to be grateful for 24/7. Most importantly, I learn I mustn't dwell on myself. I mustn't give rise to the flesh which demands I hate my own existence. It's a satanic notion, self-hatred.
Bottom line? How comforting to know I can always go to Christ, no matter what the circumstance. And as His daughter, I am also an overcomer. I may fall down, but I'll always be able to get on my feet again because "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Don't let the number of times you fall outnumber the number of times you stand back up.
random photo from Brooksville that I found and thought looked neat.
Anywayyy. End of random rant concerning the internal struggle of life...that probably either bored you to death or freaked you out...erm. Yeah. Moving on!
Last week, we at Southern Lights had the privilege of getting to play up at the Olustee reenactment. The battle of Olustee/Ocean Pond was the largest battle that took place in Florida during the War Between the States. Naturally, this is the therefore the largest Civil War reenactment in the Sunshine State.
It was incredible.
We interrupt the regularly planned programing for an awesome map of my Reheboam world, made on GIMP by Brian McBride. ^_^
That weekend, my parents left on a business trip to Louisiana, leaving me in charge. Of course, I couldn't bring the boys along on the Olustee excursion, so my wonderful grandparents came to watch them while I was gone. Thank you Mammy and Pappy! ♥
My day Saturday started at 4:00 in the morning, unintentionally. I set my alarm for 5:30 but somehow woke up miraculously early...don't ask how. Of course, I also had trouble getting to sleep Friday night, so maybe that had something to do with it. Pre-reenactment bubblies and excitement I guess.
My lovely friends and I with the kitchen as a fabulous, historically accurate backdrop...hahaha
Mammy snapped this and I didn't even know it. Hahaha, I guess we were just getting ready to leave the house.
The weather was awesome - chilly, just the way I like it. When you're lugging instruments around most of the day and wearing a lot of fabric, you tend to appreciate the cooler weather.
It's a no-brainer why we don't have reenactments in the summer here in FL.
Spectators waiting for the battle to unfold.
We were blessed to get to play at the Ladies' Tea in front of an audience of 70 or so women and girls. Also, we played in the sutlers area and people seemed to enjoy our music. It's so wonderful to know that you can make people smile and be blessed through your work!
We even got a good deal of tips, which helped with the gas and food costs later.
so much epic cavalry-ness
man I love this picture. That gun!
artillery
The actual battle was epic of course. Only, since they were trying to show a little of how it actually happened 150 years ago, most of the soldiers were fighting out in the woods where we couldn't see them. Which was a bummer. Thankfully they ventured closer at times. And the cannons were always going off.
Two of my favorite things at reenactments are the artillery, and the drum and fife playing as the units do their processions through the camps.
I like the composition of this one.
BOOM! I hope they're wearing earplugs!
Rebel pride.
Emerging from the haze.
And here is the one photo that I found decent of at the ball later in the evening. Kay took it, you can see Maygan there in the middle.
The map I used for my route to get to Olustee. I do love maps. They've always fascinated me, and I tell you this - I'm not a GPS person. I will use a good ol' fashioned map over one of those unpredictable devices any day.
Ahh, and speaking of driving. Arguably the most traumatizing element of the whole day and trip was the time spent in the car. It was about a two hour drive up, since we got mixed up and went down a wrong road when the actual event location was less than a mile down the street. -_-
And later, as we drove to Lake City to get some grub for supper, (we went to Chick-fil-A again as that is our refuge for reenactment excursions now) it got extremely stressful.
Let's get a couple things straight. See that little box on the map along the highlighted route, which reads "231"? You'd never know such an innocent looking road could be so treacherous.
For miles and miles it was one big stretch of absolutely nothing. Literally no signs of human life anywhere, and this is no exaggeration. All you see is an endless stretch of pine trees on either side of the road...it's smack dab in the midst of a national forest. In the daytime it's tolerable, but at night in the dark? Nooooo. It's hard enough driving in a place you're not familiar with.
See, somehow we got off the original road (90) and went down 231 towards the homeward-route. Basically wasted a good bit of gas on a completely-out-of-the-way passage.
I ended up having a panic attack halfway down that blasted road, as we left Lake City to get back to the reenactment site for the evening ball. It was ridiculous. I was literally desperate to see another vehicle or some lights or anything. It was a mini praise session when we finally got back to the little four-way in Olustee!!!
I will never forget the horror of driving down that vile road.
But the ball was worth all the trauma of 231. I got to dance the entire evening! Learned many new contra dances and had a genuinely wonderful time. I did end up getting asked out, which threw me pretty bad, but ehhh such is life I guess. New experiences to add to the book of life, right?
But seriously for anybody who might be wondering...no, I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I don't do the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It doesn't even make sense to me. And when the time comes that I do start 'looking', it will be for a Godly man who I will spend the rest of my life with. Not just a boyfriend.
So are we clear on that? Good.
Last but not least, I present a little photomanip/collage I did of some of my favorite characters from If Dante Had Wings.
Speaking of which, I'm now on chapter six of that. My writing moments ever since January have been devoted to this novel, and then recently I started rewriting The Rebels of Florida.
Ever since I began revamping some of the basic plots in TROF, drastic changes have unfolded. Characters have evolved - changed so much it's almost scary.
Zephyr, who used to be "Emma", the main character girl for example. She's gone from somewhat wall-flowerish, fantasizing softee to outspoken, overly-emotional survivor. Basically, her new self is a lot more kick-butt. All the characters are, really.
One of TROF's characters - Sybil. The picture on the right shows her 'before-revamping' version, and the one on the left her 'current' state.
Not kick-butt in the sense of the modern day 'strong' female lead that always has things under control and never sheds a tear(gosh, don't we all hate that stereotype?) but in the sense that, if you lived in this state during 1863, you had to have grit, and lots of it. Florida for most of history has been a wild, undeveloped jungle overflowing with peril.
Women didn't wear big fancy silk ball gowns and trounce around with slaves doting on their every whim and wish. The term 'southern belle'? Not applicable in this state, sorry. Unless your definition of southern belle is a trouser-wearing ranch woman who could cook anything she put her mind to (snakes, raccoons, wild pokeweed shoots, etc.) for the sake of the basic survival of her family. If she owned a dress it was probably made of calico or some other cheap fabric.
This is a general assumption of what I've read of pre-development Florida culture.
And this is what you'll find in TROF, for the most part.
Anyway! So where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Character development - er - change. It's certainly made the editing/rewrite process of TROF way more interesting.
So there you have it! A fairly detailed account of some of the most notable events that have happened in my life recently.
I leave you fabulously patient people with an awesome song from Imagine Dragons that you've probably not heard before because for some weird reason it hasn't really been promoted that much apparently. *shakes head*
I just wanted to share something exciting with you. Thanks to a writing friend Sam Graber, you can now officially get sheet music for my Hobbit-inspired piano composition, Pursuit of the Dragon!Click here! Isn't that the coolest thing?? I spent a good several hours freaking out in excitement over it, honestly.
In other news, I've been spending a lot of today working on The Rebels and plotting future deaths events in the chapters to come. I have been hung up lately on one particular spot in the book but thank God, inspiration arrived today and I was able to put down a good number of new words in the document.
A few weeks ago I guess it was, I made this playlist inspired by Nathan. (coincidentally some of the plotting I did revolved around him...teehee)
I couldn't resist. This guy is such a character, and I've heard so many songs which reminded me of him...I just had to waste 20 minutes making an 'official' playlist about the fella.
Beyond that, I caught the bug yesterday...boo-hoo. Ironically I had just began beefing up my intake of very healthy things. Hopefully it will pass quickly and no one else in the family will get it. This is the first cold I've gotten this year.
Things I'm thankful for today:
| herbal tea | berry herbal brew | friends | a nice afternoon with mom in the woods writing | epic orchestral scores | cooler weather | being able to make progress in the book and screenplay |
Okay, so it's not exactly my most recently created song.
Fact is, I officially put the finishing touches on it months ago. HOWEVER. Since I just recorded it today, with the help of my fabulous ex-piano teacher and her family's epic keyboard/electric piano.
That thing has some amazing capabilities and it is SO much fun to work on!
Sooo, I had the pleasure of being allowed to record some more stuff on it today and here is one of the products of the time spent recording.
"Unspoken" is a song I wrote....hmm...maybe back in January? I can't remember exactly when I first began fleshing it out. It's not that old in comparison with some of my other compositions, such as "Banishing Fear" and "An Evening on the Front Porch Swing". Anyways, it's pretty recent.
I like this piece because it has something of a story behind it. You see, it has significance to me because somewhere along the way, in the process of creating it/putting together what God gave me to work with, I began to be reminded of my FMC Emma from my primary novel, The Rebels of Florida.
This song is partially inspired by her - more specifically, the love interest in her life and the terribly awkward relationship (or lack thereof) that they possess. Truth is, they're basically strangers to each other. She loves (admires, more than anything) him unconsciously, involuntarily, however. What she'd give to know if he shared the same thoughts for her.
Problem is, she never finds out. Never does she voice her inner feelings and thoughts to him.
The vast amounts of words which *could* be uttered are left unspoken.
And that is how this song connects to the story. It rings to me of the bittersweetness of Emma's thought life. The ups and downs of her struggle to follow God. Things she longs for...and cannot have.
All is not lost.
Anyway. I'm giving away too much of my story, and it's only half-written. Back to the music.
What did you think?
I hope y'all enjoyed it; and while it is far from epic or incredible, I hope you were blessed by it and pointed to the Creator. (It was HE after all who gave me the song to begin with!)
If you have any ideas or insight please toss it out there because y'all know my stance on blunt, straight-up honesty! I'd love to hear y'all's thoughts!
