Friday, June 20, 2014

A Thousand Useless Words

(Warning: This is not the typical post you'll find on this blog. It's a raw, nearly uncensored piece of my heart right now. Sometimes the best way to cope with the struggle is to flesh it out word by word, analyzing why exactly you're hurting. You are forced to analyze who is truly in the wrong. And in this case, that would be me.)
What's the meaning of a thousand words, if those words aren't verified by action?
I do not live by the words I speak.
I despise the person I am, trapped in failures and mediocrity.
I insist that tomorrow's a new day. I declare my resolution to try harder.
And I try.
Yet one step out of place, one fall, one falter. It's over; I didn't try hard enough.
And their eyes look down on me. Their voices, like arrows, pierce my soul. 
The ones dearest to me cause me the most pain. The sickness of knowing I disappointed them.
The worst part is that I deserve those arrows. 
I deserve that pain.
Because, after all, who knows what pain have I caused them?
Rivers stain my face, salty, bitter streams.
Each tear speaks a thousand words.
A thousand words that would be useless, from my lips.
My heart aches for what I have been unable to change. What I keep saying I'll do different.
It never happens.
Lord help me, I just can't do it alone.
What are a thousand words, if my actions don't reflect them?