Friday, June 20, 2014

A Thousand Useless Words

(Warning: This is not the typical post you'll find on this blog. It's a raw, nearly uncensored piece of my heart right now. Sometimes the best way to cope with the struggle is to flesh it out word by word, analyzing why exactly you're hurting. You are forced to analyze who is truly in the wrong. And in this case, that would be me.)
What's the meaning of a thousand words, if those words aren't verified by action?
I do not live by the words I speak.
I despise the person I am, trapped in failures and mediocrity.
I insist that tomorrow's a new day. I declare my resolution to try harder.
And I try.
Yet one step out of place, one fall, one falter. It's over; I didn't try hard enough.
And their eyes look down on me. Their voices, like arrows, pierce my soul. 
The ones dearest to me cause me the most pain. The sickness of knowing I disappointed them.
The worst part is that I deserve those arrows. 
I deserve that pain.
Because, after all, who knows what pain have I caused them?
Rivers stain my face, salty, bitter streams.
Each tear speaks a thousand words.
A thousand words that would be useless, from my lips.
My heart aches for what I have been unable to change. What I keep saying I'll do different.
It never happens.
Lord help me, I just can't do it alone.
What are a thousand words, if my actions don't reflect them?


  1. Sounds like your going through some hard things. I will be praying for you :), thank you for sharing this by the way. I can relate to it.

    1. Thank you Skye, your prayers are much appreciated! <3

  2. Yes...that was probably the past year for me summed up. How many times I failed in the same area, again and again, each time causing so much frustration and pain and so many "WHY?!"s.

    Yes. Oh yes. This is familiar. Thank you. :)

  3. We are not promised a life without trials and troubles. But God is with us every step of the way! Turn to Him, even when it seems He is responsible for the crumbling of your world. Only He can rebuild it to stand even stronger than before.

    Praying for you!

  4. Oh Leah...I hear the cries of your heart as if they were my own, I have felt the same way far too many may not be perfect on your own...but neither am I, nor is anyone else, or has anyone else been, but ONE!!! And though I know you know this I shall say it for everyone's sake...It is that ONE that we must hand over our struggles, our pain, our shortcomings, our insufficenceys, our imperfection, and anything impairs us of being what God created us to be...but the reality still remains that we are broken and imperfect people and that all we can do on our own is try...
    I may not know what you're going through, I may not know YOUR pain, I may not be able to make you feel pretty inside, but I do know of ONE who can help, and I'll be asking Him to help you...I'm praying for you.
    P.s. Don't be too hard on yourself, but never settle for good enough...

  5. Uh, oh! I can so relate to this myself... :) :P :( .... Romans 7 23-25 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? 25I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

    1. So true. Basically, humanity in a nutshell.