Saturday, September 6, 2014

To Keep You Off My Mind

 
 
// A Tribute to Nathan Laredo & Sophrona Nassau, the dearly-spellcheck-dubbed "Firestone Couple"  //
 
When it was just me, life was awful.
The moment you came along, life turned amazing.
Now that you're gone, there's no life at all.
 
***
 
I've been so conflicted about The Rebels of Florida lately. Actually. To be completely honest, it hasn't been on my mind very much at all, period. Which is really sad just in itself. *sniff*
But time has been lacking. What time I have has been put to use in finishing my studies for the ICR courses, when on the computer, anyhow. And then I have the Conservatory, and piano students. And I try to keep in shape. Then of course, you have chores and meal-prep, and calls with my 'foil'. *youknowwhoyouare/insertrandomnoncreepywink* So yeah. Doesn't leave much time for writing.
 
And then there's lack of motivation. See, I have a decent query letter written up, thank to the help of some brilliant writerly friends, but now I have the darn synopsis to contend with. 
 
 Just why on earth did I ever have to decide on writing a book that had five MCs in it?!
 
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
 
You know why?
 
Because I was twelv years old when this thing got started. That's why.
 
Twelve-year-olds do weird things. Eighteen-year-olds do weird things too, but I like to think I've gotten at least a little more logical since then. And if not more logical, at least....well, I like to think I have a decent head on my shoulders - when that head isn't controlled by a body full of raging hormones.
 
So now I'm stuck with a melodramatic child/book that's just about as dear to me as an appendage.
An appendage that's mine, anyways. Not just any random, disconnected appendage. That would be weird.
 
*cough*
 
So yeah. This melodramatic book I called my baby.
 
 TROF.
 
It kills me, but I love it to death. It's destroyed my already instable emotional wellbeing, and yet I've devoted so much of my life to its eventual success.
 
What would I do without it? Who knows. Maybe I'd have mastered the piano by now. Perhaps I'd have written a whole other series because I didn't have to focus on rewriting so much, and historical accuracy issues. 
But maybe a big piece of me would also be gone. Maybe my ability to express my feelings toward life would be hindered. Maybe a section of my heart would be missing.
 
I don't want to know. I love this thing too much to let it go.
 
Must. Write. Synopsis. Must. Write. Synopsis. And. It. Can't. Be. Lame.
 
A book six years in the making cannot have a lame synopsis, whatsoever. It just can't.
 
 
Oh yeah. And then when I was driving home today from Conservatory, I turned on the radio and heard one of the saddest, most tragic songs ever.
 
// Stay High (Habits) by Tove Lo //
 
"gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind."
 
It's like the epitome of human nature, conveyed in three minutes and twenty-nine seconds. Humanity is constantly searching for a healing balm for our souls. We all want someone to cherish and love us. We want to cherish and love back. And we will do whatever it takes to find some form of this. The thing is, we settle for cheap, plastic forms of 'love' which don't count. We settle for momentary pleasure over life-long commitment because we don't trust in God's planning, or we aren't interested to know what that planning even is. We settle for momentary pain-killers that don't really kill the pain. We're just so desperate for something.
 
This song conveys that well. Drown out everything, do whatever it takes to forget. Even if it means sleeping with a different guy every night, and drinking all your money away. Just do what it takes.
 
So yeah. From a spiritual aspect, this song stinks. And it might get you in a downer kind of mood.
 
 
At the same time, you know what ran across my head when I listened to the chorus a few times?
 
"Oh my stars. This is so Nathan."
 
And then I was reminded of those final chapters. Those chapters I wrote last year, right around this time, in fact. Funny how times passes and you forget things like that.
As I listened, I pictured the opening of Frayed Horizons. (TROF'S sequel) I look at Nathan's jaded brown eyes and see the wrinkles permanently etched in his forehead. His mouth is carved into a straight line, he stares straight ahead at nothing; his visage transparent to the deadness inside him. Nothing numbs the pain. Soon, there's no pain to numb. You can't numb something that has no feeling.
 
When seen in this light, suddenly this song became 10x sadder. Before I knew it, I had tears forming in my eyes. Amazing how quickly emotion can be evoked over one simple song and its potential connotations. Gahhhhhhhh. Haaaaalp meeeeeh. WID (writing induced depression) is on the verge of returning.
 
When it was just me, life was awful.
The moment you came along, life turned amazing.
Now that you're gone, there's no life at all.
 
Nathan, I'm truly sorry. I am. I promise. I'm not lying. It....may be hard to believe, but I hate what happened to you. I truly do. Okay, so you don't have to believe me. Whatever. But at least you heard it from my own lips.
 
Just trust me on this one. It will get better. I promise.
 
(Yeah, I think it's generally against wisdom to write random unsolicited blog posts at 2:00 in the morning.)
 

6 comments:

  1. Wow, interesting post..really ;) I love random weirdness. Btw I'd still like to read that book, if you want me too. It's soooo interesting..especially more after reading this post :D

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    1. Thank you Keturah! :) Ugh I'm so behind on sending chapters, I'll try to get to that today!

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    2. Lol, that's ok..just trying to make your day more stressful...jkjk. Oh, yeah. Hope the synopsis comes out good..I know how hard those things are!!

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  2. This post was more than a little random, but I think I followed the gist. You can write that synopsis! I believe in you! Even if you just write a paragraph a day, you'll have a 2 page synopses done in about 2 weeks. 2 weeks isn't that long, and a paragraph a day is totally doable.
    Best of luck!
    ~Sarah Faulkner

    Inklined

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    1. Thank you Sarah! I appreciate the encouragement. :)

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  3. Hello there, Leah! WOW. What an awesome blog! You inspire me so much! My name is Sarah. I'm a writer/blogger/photographer. I'd be honored if you'd join my blog, imsarahgrace art, photography, and design (http://imsarahgrace.blogspot.com). This is where I muse about a wide range of topics: art, photography, design, lifestyle, food, travel, and more. I think you’ll enjoy it, and I hope to see your name around these parts! :)

    Sarah
    imsarahgrace

    ReplyDelete