I will admit....some of them I am still trying to learn to be grateful for. Let's just say today's also been filled with gallons and gallons of testing and trial.
I have no room to complain on any of the trials I've been going through, because in comparison they are....hardly worthy to be called tribulations. But none-the-less, they are there and they have been giving me quite a time. I guess the Lord is allowing satan the tempt me. Which I am thankful for. Because it shows that the devil is angry with me, I must be doing something right, to be making him mad like that.
But seriously....literally a minute after I finished prayers this morning, BAM! A huge patience test hits me in the face and I flunk it.
Things got progessively worse but the Lord helped me climb out of my mess I'd created. He's still helping me. Today's not even half-way done yet, so I must continue on. I must.
I wrote a poem. Haven't been writing much poetry lately but once in awhile, the inspiration will pop in and I am forced to write it down. Can't stand losing inspiration when it happens, you know. :)
So here it is.
“Bleed in Secret”
Oh, I’m fallin’ down,
Oh I feel alone.
Oh I need some help cause
I can’t do this on my own.
Find myself running,
Trying to get away.
From everything around me,
I try to hide my face.
Don’t want them to see me crying,
Can’t let them see the tears.
Don’t want them to know I’m suffering
They don’t need to know my fears.
Abba, Father, I need You
No one else would understand.
No one sees the hurt within me
You alone can see within.
You know my heart is breaking
I feel it ripping apart.
But Father, please, I beg you,
Don’t let the world see my bleeding heart.
Don’t let my suffering become their suffering
Oh please, let it stop right with me.
While I ache and endure this hardship,
Let it be as if they never knew
What I am going through.
So maybe you read it and you're perplexed about what the heck I'm talking about....I mean, bleeding in secret? "Leah, are you into self-injury/cutting yourself now or something??"
No. I respect my body too much for that. This poem is referring to how when we go through trials, there are times when we need to...go through them in a way that doesn't cause others to have to suffer, too.
I don't want to enflict the pain and suffering that I'm currently going through on those around me. They don't need that. Yes, it's good to vent it out sometimes, but as Solomon said very wisely, "there's a time for everything." If I'm angry about something, I don't need to let my anger seep out and soil the day around me. I must allow God to cut it from my heart, bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut when I want to snap back at somebody.
If I'm in pain, physically and/or emotionally, I need to keep that pain to myself. In this season of my life, that's what I need to do. Just gotta bite the bullet and be strong.
The world doesn't need to see my tears.
What have you been struggling with lately? I hope the Lord has been guiding you through whatever it may be.