Life These Days

Well, first of all....I am officially the worst blogger on earth. But y'all probably already knew that.
Life...it's been...how do I even describe it? I am not sure where to start. Things have been so crazy, so hectic, so....life.

Random rose that I snapped a picture of a few months ago. I rather like how it turned out.

The struggles of everyday continue. I continue to experience an equilibrium of peace and chaos, joy and pain, confusion and order. Did I ever tell you how scatterbrained I am? Well, that's a pretty well-known fact about yours truly. My mind exists in a constant state of trying to go a million ways at one time. That's just how I function these days. How productive I am in this state? That's debateable. I like to think that I make good use of multi-tasking.

Random picture of Luke on his birthday--he's such a cutie pie.

Mom says that multi-tasking is really pretty ineffecient (did I spell that right? Ugh, y'all probably know how terrible I stink at spelling.) and I know there is truth to that statement. There have been times when I have tried to run around and do a million things and then only a few of those even turn out decent. It's a hard task to ballance 10 different activities all at once. But it's something that, hard as it is, I live on. I thrive on it, strange as it sounds, especially since I flunk so bad at it often. But...that is how my mind works.

Even now, as I type this shabby little blog post on this shabbly little blog of mine, my mind is drifiting to a gazillion other places, people, tasks to do, you name it. Music events coming up which I need to practice my Southern Lights music for. Writing I need to do for my novel and screenplay. A dialogue I need to work on for an upcoming GFP political short film. My brothers who I need to spend more time with, and treat a heck of a lot better. Oh, and did I mention school? You don't want to know how terribly behind I've let myself fall in math. It's my fault; really, it is. I procrastinate horribly. So. What can I say. It's my fault.

Once again, something else I need to work harder on.

(Took this up in DC past weekend...ain't it such a perty rose?)

I have allowed my walk with God to...suffer. "Feel like God is distant? Guess who moved." I want to slap myself again and again for how I have abandoned Him when He has never once abandoned me.

I almost wish that a tribulation or trial would arise, so that I might be rebuked and chastised--every time this has happened to me in the past, it has pushed me closer to God. And every time, I am so dearly thankful for it. I know there are trials I am suffering through right now, in my life, however. It's not like life has ever been a piece of cake. No, no, no. It's just that the smaller trials tend to just get covered over as every-day annoyances, which you just endure through and don't really rely on God to get through, when the big ones come and force you to cry out to God for strength because you don't have anywhere else to go.

BUT, there have been times when those little every-day annoyances built up so greatly that suddenly, you are overwhelmed, outrun, totally wearied and exhausted. Suddenly, you are completely ashamed of yourself, and desperate to run to God.

(My brothers and I in Jax a few weeks ago. Taken by our marvelous father.)

I have not been sure how to describe my spiritual position lately. I cannot describe my feelings and soul condition. Honestly. The few things I can piece out about it is that I am completely and incredibly undeserving of the grace bestowed upon me by the Lord. I cannot even begin to say how unworthy I am.

• I need Him. I.need.Him. More.than.anything.else.
• I am a miserable failure without Him.
• My mind is a morass, a trap I set for myself and find myself ensnared in daily, without Him.
• My heart is wearied, lost, broken, tear-stained without His embrace.
• I cannot die to my own sins without His help.

These are facts, clear as clear can be. As hard as I try to repent of my wretched wrongs and sins, I can't do it. Not without Jesus stepping in and helping me, lifting me from the miry mess I sink down into.

I am such a mess. Really, I am. And I suppose that's exactly why He came to die. For terrible messes like me. I sure am thankful for that. He is far, far, far too good to me.

Ok, I know I've been ultra-random today. Big surprise though, right? Welcome to my world. I am the queen of random. I am insane, crazy, well, organized chaos if there is such a thing.

And, it's time for me to wrap up this insane, crazy post. I know it wasn't as great as it could have been but...I hope you enjoyed it and were blessed by it in some way, anyway.

In other news, we just got back from our weeklong road trip up to Bethesda, Maryland, and the nation's capitol....Washington D.C. Maybe I will do a post just for that, with a ton of pictures. One of these days. See, I'm also the queen of procrastinators. Go figure.

Well, anyhoo, time to go. I am worn out. And still have the idealistic notion to write in my novel.

Blessings, y'all!