Essence of Humanity // a bit of prose

“Essence of Humanity”

Eyes lacking vigor, hands drained of life

A mouth that only utters empty promises and lies

Aggression leaves its mark in the lines on our faces

Some days we’re proud of them, and some days we hate it.

I run, but it’s not from someone else I try to hide

I cry, but it’s not from the rolling thunder in the night sky

I fight, but it’s not against a person the eyes can behold,

It’s against that blue-eyed girl staring back in the mirror. 

We have good days and bad, but deep down we’re always searching

For an answer to a question that’s beyond our understanding

Cause’ the pain inside won’t go away, without some kind of remedy

And when we try to fix it ourselves, the medicine only turns to poison.

I run, but it’s not from someone else I try to hide

I cry, but it’s not from the rolling thunder in the night sky

I fight, but it’s not against a person the eyes can behold,

It’s against that blue-eyed girl staring back in the mirror. 

Who knew the greatest enemy, could be the essence of humanity

At our greatest, we just amount to failure.

Can’t you see the pain that we’re all trying to hide?

Do you understand the mighty torrent raging deep inside?   

On earth, where can I find the remedy?

If it were here, wouldn't it be clear to see?

 Earth provides not solutions - just clues, pointing Above, subtle signs 

And the essence of humanity overlooks them all the time. 

///

This is a song I wrote earlier in the year when I was going through 'my personal hell'. I didn't really finish it into a piece that I'd feel comfortable actually singing in front of someone, but I think that the conclusion is clear regardless. 

We can't fix ourselves. 

It has to be Christ. 

A supernatural intervention from the Creator of the Universe is the only way to cure the human soul's devolving condition. 

Vaya con Dios mis amigos, 

When You Look Back On the Future

When she recounted the moments of her past year, the past three-hundred-and-sixty-five days, she saw answers to questions hidden in plain view. Her eyes saw them now, but they had been invisible back when she was living at that exact moment. She couldn't see it then, but now it was as clear as the cerulean sky above her head. 

What caused her former self to be shrouded from understanding the things she now knew? When does a soul ripen, transforming from a naive acorn into a discerning oak? 

She still didn't know the answer to that one. The wisdom she craved and the spirit of understanding which she desired so immensely were always things of mystery. Far more valuable than any physical object, and rightly so. 

But now it all made sense. 

She was now living in the future - the future her former self didn't yet know. A year ago, she was a different soul. A little less seasoned. A little less knowledged. A little less wise.
A soul who allowed herself to be deceived into thinking she knew what love was.
He hadn't been her first choice, no. But she was willing to give him a chance just in case God had plans for them. She liked him, and for a time she even thought that she was in love.
Alas, no. That wasn't true love.
It wasn't meant to be.
When God revealed this to her, she changed. She realized the truth.
When she learned a secret she hoped she'd never have to know, everything came apart. The afternoon she learned something far more saddening than she ever wanted to imagine, was the afternoon that changed her life forever.
But it was the hardest month of her life.
She dissolved into an ocean of solitude and misery, a swath of confusion and protest. She tried not to let anger and bitterness take root in her soul. Only God could count the number of tears she wept in confusion and pain.
But when her world was turned upside down, she felt the embrace of Christ himself.
In that time of perceived tribulation, she lost a bit of herself and gained something even more grand.
She gained experience. A jewel of wisdom. She experienced a tiny taste of the fires of God's refining.
And she learned to cherish those flames.

-

It's a beautiful thing to look back on the past, and see how the Lord's mercies work together like pieces in a giant, universal puzzle. To think that, I, just a small fragment of that grand puzzle could even be allowed a place in the picture at all is gloriously humbling!
When I look back on what was, at one time, the future to my past self, I see things that weren't possible to understand then. It's as if I were driving down a pitch-black highway at night, with only my dim-lights on so that I can merely see about forty feet ahead in the darkness.

Of course, on one hand, isn't that what faith is? Walking by TRUST, HOPE, and BELIEF, not by sight. You have NO idea what's yet to come but you know it will all make sense at some point!

Even thinking about what I considered tribulation, earlier this year, is interesting. The truth is? I have no clue what a real trial or tribulation is like. I may have experienced pain, and my soul may feel awful raw and cut-on. But that doesn't mean I've truly suffered. By Jove, gracious, no! Have I been persecuted for my following Jesus? Have I been tortured or my family arrested because of our faiths? No! Am I still alive, thriving and breathing? Yes!

I'm going to be totally honest with y'all. This isn't pretty, but it has to be said.
There were months when I wanted to die.
You might find that hard to believe, coming from a girl with high self-esteem and an incredible amount of drive in life.
*sigh* But it's true. As many days as I've had where my emotions soared and I felt I was truly amazingggg (see, I definitely have tendency to struggle with pride!), I've had just as many where I cursed myself as being a horrible excuse of human, never good enough and always failing and disappointing the ones I loved dearest. It crushed me more than any physical burden could.
When the voices screaming in my head wouldn't be silent and I wanted to end it so I wouldn't hear them, or have to be stuck with my shell of a monstrosity. I hated myself so, in the times when I hit extreme emotional lows that sunk to levels of depression.
I was a mess, I was worried for other people's safety when I was out in public. I never knew when my next meltdown would be. I had a few panic attacks out of nowhere. I couldn't focus, and I was crying every day for no reason other than nothing made sense and I was so sick of myself.
I heard voices saying I was an alien, a monster, and that nobody could understand my condition of being. I was an anomaly. A girl whose emotions were off the charts. Bipolar. Out of control.
The voices wouldn't shut up. I couldn't find peace in my cranium no matter how I attempted to seek it. I prayed in desperation for rest from the chaos enveloping my mind. It just wouldn't come.

I want to say that some of those days were like hell on earth for me. Obviously that is a major exaggeration, but if you've ever experienced any form of depression or manic-depressive symptoms you'll understand. It's truly grotesque, what your mind does when subjected to this kind of crippling emotional...whatever you call it. Actually I reckon the scientific answer is that it's merely an chemical imbalance in the brain. Still, it is crippling.

I don't really know what happened, but for the past several months I have experienced something that has been much prayed for, and almost too good to be true, considering the mental madness of earlier in the year.
Mental clarity, and internal peace. 
NO VOICES. No screaming voices. No slanderous whispers in my ears. No endless tears and meltdowns every single day of the week.
Tears are welling up in my eyes as I say this. (what can I say, I'm still very emotional and this subject is not one I bring up much.)
I've never felt so incredibly FREE. I'm like a wild horse running free on the prairie, with nothing between me and the horizon. The bars of my mental prison vanished. I'm a bird released from its cage.
There are no chains on me, not any more.
I am free.
The only answer I have for this is one word. One name.
Jesus. 
People say you can't recover from mental illness. People say that you can't wipe that kind of thing from your DNA.
My answer is, thank God that the Supernatural Almighty doesn't listen to the scorn and disbelief of mortal humanity!
I don't know if I still have the potential for those bipolar-syndromes to return - maybe it will always be there. But maybe not. Maybe it won't.
 I will say this. My God is powerful, and so far, He's not failed me yet.
He answers prayers, in ways I don't expect or envision.
So if He takes this completely, I won't be surprised.
I will just be immensely grateful.

Anyway, so getting back to what I was saying earlier, I have experienced pain and there were times I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it any longer.
But all in all? Have I suffered? Have I truly suffered tribulation?
No.
No amount of bipolar-symptom trauma or emotional tornadoes could change that.
And even if I lost everything I have, I would still not know true suffering.
No, real suffering isn't anything I'll ever know.
Jesus suffered when He took my punishment on the cross. When He laid down His life to be brutally murdered in one of the most painful deaths a human could experience.
That was true suffering.
So yeah...can I complain about anything I've gone through?
Never.

When I look back on the past, I know that it was a beautiful one. Why? Because even scars and broken pieces are beautiful, when they are redeemed and refined by Christ. 

Just Around The Riverbend

 Oy, it's sad when you forget you even have a blog. I mean on one hand I feel bad for not keeping up with this thing, but on the other hand, I don't, because seriously, I just haven't had time to keep posting on any of my blogs. I mean, I /could/ make time, but I would rather spend it on other things you know? 

Gah, life is such a roller coaster. That's old news though, isn't it? 

These past several months have been utterly mind blowing. Some days I feel like a leaf on the wind, being blown all over the place and having no idea whether my next moment will be spent plummeting towards the ground or soaring back up into the sky. 

Confession: I've allowed myself to get lukewarm in my relationship with Christ. It's scary how quick it can happen, and how subtlety satan can get his foot in the door. So many temptations that weren't overcome, and battles that weren't won. The victories seem so small sometimes, in comparison.

So many reasons to thank God He's even given me a second chance. And a third, and a fourth, and a hundredth. And a thousandth. Sometimes I wonder how He can possibly forgive me that many times. It's truly beyond my comprehension.

"Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free..."

My days have been spent both in productivity and slackness, I have to admit. I've spent too much time on social media, but I've also done more piano teaching than I ever have before. 

I organized a contra dance for families in my area, which was a new thing. And I also put on a recital for my piano students - another first. Both had tremendous results, I would say! Super exciting. I love starting new things!

I submitted The Rebels of Florida to a bunch of different publishers and agents.

I experienced my first break-up.

I've been searching for my first vehicle. 

 I got to have a dear friend, Cari, from Washington, stay and visit for several days. (we may or may not have done lots of hiking, and gotten ourselves lost on an equestrian trail...)

I've gone no-poo. (no synthetic shampoo or conditioner, only natural alternatives)

I went on a literal roller coaster for the first time. 

I've started looking for a new church to go to. 

"Why do all my dreams extend, just around the riverbend?" 

Some of my dreams are ones I am living, and I am pretty darn happy with that fact. 

But there will always be dreams and ambitions that are 'around the riverbend', yet to happen, Lord willing. I feel like if a soul gives up all hopes and dreams of their own, they lose the essence of what it means to be truly alive. God didn't make us to be creatures of ritual, always stuck on a single track of eat, sleep, work, repeat. At least, I don't think He created us like that. 

Because whenever is stagnation healthy, or desirable?  

Never.

That's why life throws us curve balls, as some people say. We need change to thrive. We atrophy without it. The waters of our soul become lukewarm and putrid, without the heat of tribulations and tests to set us on fire for God. The flames can either be the straw that breaks the camel's back, or it can be the best thing that ever happened to us. 

I don't know about you, but I think I'd do just about anything for the latter. 

Seriously, every time something big happened in my life, that I wasn't expecting, spiritual revival was right down the road. And once you've tasted true revival, you can't get enough. 

Urgh, I'm random. But at least you now know that I've not vanished into thin air, or been sucked away into outer space. *cough* 

 Tomorrow I begin a pretty time-intensive summer piano course at the conservatory, which will be very exciting. I'm so thankful to both sets of grandparents for sponsoring me! 

Well, time to depart for now. It's late as usual. What's been new with y'all peeps? 

Ciao,

The God of Convenience

 

{an unrelated picture, but I saw it and thought it was lovely and reminded me of some of my book characters}

Convenience is the god of the modern, first-world society.

 

We sacrifice everything from relationships with our children, parents, family, to our physical and mental health in the name of convenience. What is easiest, quickest, and involves the least amount of effort. In the end, convenience is always the winning card, because nobody wants to give up the comfort and ease it offers. Little do we know, as we sit comfortably in the fluffy embrace of convenience, that our essences are slowly atrophying.

 

Convenience is our poison, our drug, and it is killing us.

 

It is a subtle serpent, but its demands are high.

Its offers are never ugly or unattractive, and often they may even seem quite logical.

In fact, everything about convenience seems slick and optimal. Why exert the effort if you don't have to? Is convenience not one and the same with efficiency?

 

Ah, but what sort of god have we decided to bow down to? In a society where food can be delivered to your doorstep in fifteen minutes, what price have we unintentionally agreed to pay? As we exchange quick, impersonal texts with people instead of calling or meeting in person for a visit, what have we set ourselves up for in return?

 

What does the god of convenience demand from us, in exchange for the smooth, velvety touch of ease and relaxation?

 

In the name of convenience, we avoid educating ourselves about subjects that truly matter. It's easier to just do what's always been before, instead of opening one's mind to a paradigm change. Lifestyle changes are uncomfortable, and inconvenient. Learning new things isn't exactly easy, either. Why educate yourself about genetically modified organisms or what creates a healthy economical system, when you feel like it won't have any direct impact on your life, right?

 

In the name of convenience, we don't reach for the intellectual stimuli our brains truly thirst for. Instead of consuming literature and media that would broaden our knowledge and build our brains, we opt for petty television shows full of content equal to the consistency of marshmallow fluff. We push away the depth and richness of the classics in exchange for that hot-off-the-shelf romance novel or comic book, because it's easier on the brain. Easier on our attention spans. "Oh, it would take too much time to read that huge thick thing by that old Brittish guy in the 1800s. Fifty Shades of Grey, on the other hand..."

,

In the name of convenience, we choose to run by McDonald's for breakfast on the way to work instead of getting up thirty minutes earlier and fixing a bowl of homemade steel-cut oatmeal or fresh scrambled eggs with green peppers and cheese.

In the name of convenience, we pick up TV-dinners from the frozen aisle or throw some packages of processed junk food on the table, because we've decided that spending two hours in the kitchen preparing a wholesome dinner for the family isn't worth the time.

 

In the name of convenience, we trust almost anything we hear from the government and/or general media, and don't question what the news reports tell us. We don't question their agendas, or the possibility that they are giving the news from a biased perspective. It's too much trouble to doubt whether we're being fed the truth or not. It's easier to just go along with the flow.

 

In the name of convenience, we send our children to institutionalized school, daycare centers and nannies, so that we can get our own work done. Homeschooling is inconvenient. Staying at home with your child, teaching him or her yourself is inconvenient. It's not easy to be a parent, and a lot of the times it's not exactly fun, either. (Single parents, please do not read this and think I am calling you lazy or undisciplined. I am speaking to the families that have two parents involved and the financial stability to engage in homeschooling.)

In the name of convenience, we sacrifice our children into the hands of strangers, to be educated in ways we have no control over. In the name of convenience, we send them to be with people who will spend more time with them than we will, for most of their childhood. We give up the blessing of guiding and training them to follow Christ, because we've placed that responsibility in someone else's hands.  

In the name of convenience, we avoid speaking of our faith to others. We are too worried we will offend someone, or that we might get bashed or mocked. It's inconvenient to go out of your way to talk to a neighbor or complete stranger for ten minutes about the Lord. And it's definitely not 'comfortable', right?

 

Yes, we are comfortable in the sofas of convenience, but as we sit there enveloped in leather cushioning, our eyes glued to our phone or TV screens, we have given up something that can never be replaced by the momentary comfort of "easy".

When we decided to make convenience our idol, always deferring to the easiest path, the most convenient option, we signed over the essence of the human existence. We tossed aside the thrill of challenge and growth, because that was too much trouble. We settled for less than satisfactory, because we weren't bold enough to make the effort for something better. "Something better" was too hard, or took too much time and energy.

 

 We became zombies, enslaved to our master. Dead, though we may appear to be living. On the surface, we feel as though we're living in a way that the rest of the world should be envious of.

But sometimes, I think that the rest of the world sees our convenience-lust for what it really is. We've sacrificed health, intelligence and spiritual growth for disease, ignorance and lukewarm stagnation.

 

And we are slowly dying. 

Little by little, our obsession with ease is draining our souls.

 

We are so enthralled with doing what is easiest, that we have lost the life in living. We cannot thrive and excel when convenience is the ruler of our beings. An obsession with convenience is content with merely being comfortable.

 

 In order to experience life as the riveting, vibrant adventure it was designed to be, our idolatry of convenience must be abolished.

In order to become the mighty warriors of God that we were created to be, the god of convenience must die.

 

In order to live life to its utmost fullest, the god of convenience must be slain.

 

A Storm Called Liberation - Letters to Myself

 

This isn't really a poem, but I don't know what else to call it. Musings? Yes, musings will do.

It's just what happens when you know you need to write /something/ but you aren't sure whether to pen a song, or a poem by itself. This will probably end up evolving into a song though nonetheless.

I will admit that these past two weeks have been among the hardest in my life. I was given counsel by a very dear friend who is like a second-mother to me, to "write letters to myself" when I am feeling more spiritually and emotionally stable, for those times in which I'm struggling. So I'm going to give it a go. Here's the first letter.

 

-

 

"A Storm Called Liberation" 

 

Fallen, my blood seeps into the ground.

Blinded, my mind hijacked and confounded.

I tried to destroy my own soul, I listened to my own lies.

Bound in a tangle of darkness, my throat raw from the screams and cries.

Resurrected, my wounds cleansed and purified by the Creator.

Eyes wide open; I take hold of the clarity and power He bestows.

Snapped me out of my delusions, cut the ties that held me trapped and lost.

 

Keep telling yourself a lie, and soon it becomes the truth.

God is not the author of confusion, He gives us direction on what to do.

Throw off the ropes, shred the lies like paper and toss them to the wind.

Your feet weren’t meant to be stagnant, and your mind wasn’t made to sleep.

Pick your body off the floor, plant your feet firm and grit your teeth.

In Him, you will overcome, you will survive, and you will find peace.

There’s a reason for this tempest, and this hurricane is only one of many.

The torrent of emotions is only a season, and you’re strong enough, you won’t drown.

You’re in a refining fire and in the end you will be like silver, if you fully seek the Lord.

This tribulation will free you, brace yourself and stand your ground.

Freedom isn’t a gentle thing, liberation takes you by storm.

So throw your chains away; allow the flood to envelop your soul.

 

You will bleed, you will plead for the end to come.

The darkness of night only points to our need for the sun.

I see clouds on the horizon, but I am thankful for the storms.

Lighting illuminates the heavens; thunder rolls like an orchestral score.  

Focus on the prize ahead, think to the years of the future, when,

Tried by the fire, having weathered the turbulence, having done all to stand,

Your skin will be thicker, your mind wiser, and your feet closer to the Promised Land. 

 

Important!!

Hello everyone! My best friend is getting married, and she and her fiancée are in this contest. Over the past three days, I have been helping make a video for them to enter in the contest.

 

 I can personally endorse them in their courtship, they set a wonderful example to other young people in their church setting and it would be a great witnessing opportunity for them to win this. Especially since there's a lesbian couple in this contest. It would mean a lot if y'all could be so kind as to go and vote for Maygan and Callan. thank you so much!!!

 

https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Ultimate-Wedding-Giveaway/594309237366189?sk=app_403834839671843&app_data=from-dqvoz8%2Cchk-54e5305e5bbe2&pnref=story

These Walls

 

// A result of random urges to write at 2 AM. Yes, it's somewhat dark. //

 

 

These Walls

 

These walls house two people, and them two people don’t get along

These walls house two enemies, and they wage war, oh they wage war

Welcome to a morbid home, these walls are covered in blood

Welcome to a battleground, a less-than-peaceful abode.

These windows are clouded, because the people always fight

These windows are a mirror to the darkness and the light

What a pity, what a shame. You wouldn’t understand their little game

They’re both fighting to get out, and if you listen close you can hear them shout.

 

Between these blue eyes you see,

There’s an entire world underneath

 And beneath this convincing smile

There’s a scheming crocodile

Inside this cranium, inside this heart

There’s no vacancy, that’s for sure.

Would you run if you knew, that behind these eyes of blue

These walls house more than one mind, and there’s a war, oh there’s a war inside

Would you think that I’m a freak, if all within me were to speak

Would you run if you could see, that there are two of me?

 

I told her to get lost, there’s no room in this little house

But she said she got a plan of her own, and these walls can’t hold us both

So I drew my sword and she drew her sword, and we fought it out right there

We painted the walls with blood, oh in our morose abode

 

These windows are tinted, so that nobody can look within

They’d see two girls fighting in a symphony of sin

These windows are a portal to a chaotic world below

Sometimes it’s beautiful, and sometimes it’s a warzone

Between these eyes of cerulean,

There’s a constant struggle to be free

And behind this sun-kissed face

Is another girl in another space

No vacancy in this heart, no room in this mind

Too many occupants fighting for time

 

Would you run if you knew, that behind these eyes of blue

These walls house more than one mind, and there’s a war, oh there’s a war inside

Would you think that I’m a freak, if all within me were to speak

Would you run if you could see, that there are two of me?

And would it scare you to know, that I’ve embraced it so

These walls house two of us, and we’re rising from the dust

When we aren’t fighting, we are strong – we create the harmony in our song

When I stretch my wings, look to the sky, because it takes the two of us to fly

This is a strange little house, a strange little heart

But sometimes the occupants paint brilliant works of art

There is gold amid the crimson; stars in the darkened night

Because together, our minds as one, we’re victors in our fight.

 

//

So yeah. This is what it's like to have two personalities (and more) in your mind.

 Sometimes I hate it, sometimes it makes me stronger. If I don't render it to Christ, give Him full control, I'm always on the ground, crawling, and it's hard to see if I'm moving forward or not.

 I feel like that's all that needs to be said.