A Thousand Useless Words

 

 

(Warning: This is not the typical post you'll find on this blog. It's a raw, nearly uncensored piece of my heart right now. Sometimes the best way to cope with the struggle is to flesh it out word by word, analyzing why exactly you're hurting. You are forced to analyze who is truly in the wrong. And in this case, that would be me.)

 

 

What's the meaning of a thousand words, if those words aren't verified by action?

 

I do not live by the words I speak.

 

I despise the person I am, trapped in failures and mediocrity.

 

I insist that tomorrow's a new day. I declare my resolution to try harder.

 

And I try.

 

Yet one step out of place, one fall, one falter. It's over; I didn't try hard enough.

 

And their eyes look down on me. Their voices, like arrows, pierce my soul. 

 

The ones dearest to me cause me the most pain. The sickness of knowing I disappointed them.

 

The worst part is that I deserve those arrows. 

 

I deserve that pain.

 

Because, after all, who knows what pain have I caused them?

 

Rivers stain my face, salty, bitter streams.

 

Each tear speaks a thousand words.

 

A thousand words that would be useless, from my lips.

 

My heart aches for what I have been unable to change. What I keep saying I'll do different.

 

It never happens.

 

Lord help me, I just can't do it alone.

 

What are a thousand words, if my actions don't reflect them?

 

 

 

In Which I Retrieved The Long-Lost Colored Pencils...

 How many of y'all like to draw or sketch?

Personally, I take great pleasure in creating art...of various forms. Whether it be by musical means, by words in my written works, or by using pencil and pen on a piece of blank paper, it is a thoroughly satisfying pastime. 

Mostly I do black and white pencil sketches, some of which you can see by clicking my Art & Illustration page on the top tab of this blog. I used to do a lot more colored pencil work, but lately, it has rather intimidated me and I've been too lazy to try it again; so I've stuck to plain ol' black and white. Which is fine, because I love b/w drawings in general. But God did create a world of color, so it only makes sense that one should use it at some point, does it not? 

So, the other day, I sat down quite at random and decided to retrieve the long-forgotten and long-unused Prismacolor colored pencils I'd used so often, so long ago in my earlier days. By the way, if you ever are looking to get a set of nice, high quality pencils these are definitely my recommendation! They lay down the color so well and the quality is evident immediately. They're a little on the pricier side by so worth it. I have a set of their regular colored pencils, their VeriThin colored pencils, and some of their markers. 

These photos constitute the finished product of my work. (Even though I can never seem to capture my art completely in the original form on camera, no matter what I try!) 

For using mediums I'd not touched for at least a year and a half, I'm pretty happy with this drawing. I know it has a lot of things which could be improved (let me know if you have some honest advice on how to do this!)  but I guess that's the case with just about anything one does, isn't it?

SO. I'd love to hear what you thought of this! And, like I said, if you have any ideas or tips on improvement of future colored pencil art, I'd love to hear it!

Be on the lookout for more review posts coming soon... there should be another one probably this Saturday or Friday.

OH, and before I forget, let me tell you about today's praise report!! I got my accordion fixed! A wonderful lady named Rose drove up two hours just to help me get the job done. I'm so thankful! Praise be to God for His provision and blessings which never cease!! He is so good!! Another answered prayer. Never doubt His planning because He knows exactly what He's doing!!

Hope y'all are having as blessed a day as I am!

Nothing Left to Say

(Taken when I was 14- Sorry for a random, old picture, I'd upload something more recent and exciting except Blogger won't let me upload new photos for some reason. Grr....)

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I keep falling, I keep falling down/If you could only save me, I'm drowning in the waters of my soul/I'm giving up, I'm giving up, hey hey, giving up now.

Imagine Dragons' song "Nothing Left to Say" has really been hitting home to me in my life today. You know how some days go really well, others go simply awesome and, sometimes, you get a day that's about one degree away from utter perfection? I'd love to tell you that today I experienced one of those days.

But that would be lying.

Today was actually the worst day I've had this year. I don't know why exactly and the reasons I have figured I need not go into detail with. But I truly have been "falling down, drowning in the waters of my soul."

Without God, this could be true for every day of our lives. It's only when I get off track from His will that I find myself in this situation, drowning. I know that I've been doing some things which are not what He would want me to be doing, so I can only blame myself.

Do you ever feel like you've confessed to God the same sin literally hundreds upon hundreds of times? This is another thing I've been struggling with, and if not dealt with properly, it can eventually lead to drowning.

I've come to the position and conclusion that as the song says, it's true. There's nothing left to say.

The Lord didn't save me because of what I did, but what He did.

When I ask for forgiveness of my sins, He forgives me because His mercy is never-ending, not because of my mere human words or what I do to try and prove myself.

There's nothing left to say.

You just have to surrender to God, admit you were wrong and thank Him for His ever-so-abundant mercies. That's all. You don't need to go into lengthy detail, just ask His forgiveness, and mean it.

Ask Him to help you repent, and He will. But you have to LET Him. This is very challenging in itself.

And here's where we come to letting go, giving up.

"I'm giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now."

Give up those emotions of hatred, anger, resentment, bitterness, heartbreak, whatever they may be.

Give them up entirely. Don't let any smidgen remain in your soul. Let Him take them away, wipe your slate clean.

There's nothing left to say.

Banishing Fear

Everyone is afraid of something.

Whether it’s the fear of spiders, the fear of heights or the fear of being rejected, we all have something which strikes fear into our heart.  I am not the kind of girl who gets frightened over spiders, snakes or dark spaces. Or even the thought of being rejected. But like every other human I have tendencies to be afraid of certain things. And one of those things is flying on airplanes.

I used to REALLY dread flying. In fact, I hated it. Even today, I can’t help but despise it. Flying makes my stomach turn cartwheels and my head dizzy. There have been times when I almost blacked-out while sitting there in my seat, trying to distinguish which side was up.

The thing is, I fly pretty often, so theoretically, my body should be used to it by now, right?

Well, it isn’t. But even though I still struggle physically with flying, at least my mental struggles have been calmed.

See, I used to lie in my bed at night picturing all the things that could go wrong on a commercial flight. I pictured planes doing double barrel rolls, or perhaps hurling into the Atlantic Ocean. The mental pictures I created sent shivers down my spine. Then came the dread. Dreading the next time my dad and I would travel somewhere for his work…flying on an airplane. I felt sick thinking about the flight ahead of me.

One particular trip, as my dad and I headed out the door for another of his conferences, Mom handed me a piece of paper. Glancing it over quickly, I found that she had written down multiple Scripture verses that talked about fear…and how to extinguish it.  She reminded me to trust God and to pray for His help, that I would be strong and courageous.  Her words were like a splash of cold water, refreshing and encouraging me.

Later, I did pray. I read the verses Mom had given me. I pleaded with the Lord, asking that He would banish the fear from my heart and help me to enjoy the flight. As our plane began to take off, and my stomach started rolling around again, I told myself everything was fine. I told myself I had nothing to be afraid of; I was a daughter of the King of Kings! He would take care of me.

We hit a little turbulence and my heart started pounding. My hands instinctively gripped the armrests beside me.

Relax, Leah. Loosen up. Relax. I heard the Holy Spirit coaxing me gently. Relax. It’s all under control.

And it was. I made myself calm down, and trust my Heavenly Father.

Before I knew it, the flight was nearly over and we were about to land. The Lord had kept His promise. He took care of me, and nothing crazy happened, after all.

Looking back, I wonder how I would have been if I had not prayed and put my trust in the Lord. By focusing on His Word in my time of fear, I was comforted and refreshed. By repeating those Bible verses my Mom gave me, I was strengthened and encouraged. God’s Word was like a balm of healing to my faithless heart.

How often do we let ourselves get wrapped up in worries and fears, when, if we were to turn to the Lord and focus on Him and His Word, we could be relieved of our anxieties?

How often do we forget to take our fears to God in prayer?

If He is powerful enough to create the entire universe, and all that is within, He is certainly powerful enough to help us banish fear from our hearts.

Have a blessed weekend!

 

Through the Fire

"Every man's work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man's work of what sort it is." 1 Corinthians 3:13

Have you ever experienced a time in your life when it felt like you were being tried?

A time when every event during the day seemed like a test, a challenge? I'm sure most of you have....most people do, at one point or another. It's really quite normal and expected, especially if you are a follower of Jesus Christ.

Sometimes....it can be hard. You can almost feel the chastening of the Lord's fire as it dissolves each work, making known what each was made of. Each thought and intention, opened and dissected to reveal what was truly in the heart. "Every man's work shall be made manifest..."

Sometimes, this can be humiliating as well as painful. Many an instance, we don't want our Creator to see what's truly in our hearts. We know something's wrong, thus, we are ashamed and guilt-ridden. Many times, there is sin which is blatantly obvious to us, and it's no mystery or enigma to try and figure out what we're doing wrong.  It's spelled out in red letter, right there in front of our noses.

There's no hiding from reality.

Sometimes, though, the sin is not so obvious to us; and we may not even realize that we are committing it. This can be difficult to identify without YHWH coming in and removing the scales from our eyes. We may continue on for weeks, months, years even, thinking we are without a particular sin, and all the while, knee-deep in it.

Personally, I have been seeing more and more examples of this within my own life.

Recently, we had a friend's children over to stay with us while she and her husband were out of town for a family emergency. This was an experience I will not soon forget.

Let me make this known, I am certainly not perfect. That should've been obvious by now, anyway. But sometimes I think a little higher of myself than I should. I consider myself "too good" to do a particular sin, but guess who manages to always keep falling down again and again into the same wrong-doing?

Yep. That's right. Little ol' me. Miss "thought-she-was-way-more-patient-than-she-really-is."

Frankly, I never knew I could be such a nasty jerk! I always thought I was a pretty patient soul, patient enough, at least, but NEVER overly impatient and hasty to lash out. I guess wrong. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

I think God personally peeled the scales from my eyes over this last weekend, chiding and reminding me of my sinful nature which I'd seemingly forgotten about temporarily. I think He was trying to show me once again about how imperfect I am on my own, without Him, and about how desperately I need His divine help to drag myself out of the morass of my sin. Actually, I could never drag myself out. He has to do the rescuing, not me. I can't rescue anybody. That's why He came to earth, to begin with. To rescue the souls of those He created. I am so thankful for His precious sacrifice....it would be a scary, scary world and horrific eternity, without it.

So...back to the topic of works being tried. Through the experiences the Lord let me go through this past weekend, I think He really did "try my works" and my heart. He showed me how impatient I have let myself become, and how I need to repent of this impatience. I gained priceless experience, knowledge and wisdom from this visit., and actually feel a few years older, too, haha. :) But, in a good way. It's a sobering, yet wonderful feeling to know the Lord opened your eyes to something He wanted you to see.

Even if it was a time of reproving and chastising. I am still very thankful for it and wouldn't dare think of looking back or wishing it didn't happen. (what does simply wishing do for anybody, anyway?!)

Have you been seeing God work in your life lately? How has He been pointing you to His ways and kingdom? What have you been learning lately about His will for your life?

Well, I need to be going now. Traveling out of town for the weekend for my dad's work, and need to finish preparing for the trip. :)

Hope y'all are having a very blessed summer so far!

Blessings,