Kintsukuroi // beautiful ending {the final chapter of 2015}

"Oh, why do I let myself let go

of Hands that painted the stars

and hold tears that fall?

And the pride of my heart makes me forget

It's not me but You, that makes the heart beat

I'm lost without You, Your dying for me

So tell me, what is our ending?

Will it be beautiful, so beautiful?"

-Beautiful Ending by BarlowGirl

// 2015 was a whirlwind. 

It was a tsunami that has left me stunned, numbed and speechless. I still can't believe it's nearly gone, and I still can't believe all that happened within these 365 days. 

Not gonna lie, I've had pleasanter years. 2015 was exhilarating and bombastic. It was full of beautiful moments and wonderful memories. 

But I also made mistakes, had my heart broken a few times and cried myself to sleep more times than I can count. Along with the good memories, there are plenty of times I wish I could forget. Things I wish I hadn't said, bad choices I made. I wandered away from God many times. 

I feel like I was a prodigal child this year in my relationship with the Lord. Still, as I draw back closer to Him, His grace and peace only becomes sweeter. 

Even amidst those painful experiences and messes I got myself into, there is still a silver lining. I learned valuable lessons which I will never forget, and you can mark my word, I won't be making the same mistakes again. I am a stronger person for having gone through 2015. Parts of me may have been broken, but I know these scars do not define me. When you look at me, don't think that I presume to know everything or imagine myself to be immaculate. Don't look surprised when you find out I've taken some hits and botched things up. 

I was just a shattered vessel that the Lord pieced back together with love and patience. I'm no longer broken because He has won the victory for me and He has pulled me out of the ashes. I'm not the same girl you knew last year. I'm a work in progress. God is writing my story, and I'm just trying to go where He leads. 

So, from this perspective, 2015 was like a piece of kintsukuroi - broken Japanese pottery that is pieced back together with gold. In the end, the pottery is even more beautiful for having been broken.

Some of the highlights from 2015 included but were not limited to -

♪ many amazing reenactments and improving my reenacting impressions vastly

♪ taking up snare drumming for reenacting, creating my female soldier impression

♪ my very first individual piano concert

♪ lots of piano teaching

♪ lots of instruction with my own piano teacher 

♪ lots of adventures traveling and exploring new places with people I care about

♪ lots of trips to get coffee with mom 

♪ starting a beautiful courtship with my best male friend

♪ revising The Rebels of Florida, to be completely historically accurate

♪ started brainstorming other new book ideas

♪ got to go to lots of dances

♪ started up my own local monthly contra dance group 

♪ got my first car

♪ went shooting, canoeing, camping, and hiked everywhere possible

♪ got paid to do my biggest art commission ever 

♪ got to meet two of my distance writing friends, Lauren and Carilyn in person

♪ our family had a cow for a little while

♪ got to hear/see the Piano Guys in person

from when our dear friends visited

reenacting memories

McIntosh contra

Gainesville contra, for the first time together

my ride!

before-Maygan's-wedding girls' day out

My best friend's wedding happened <3

With one of my piano students at the first recital I coordinated 

playing with the Morses at Ocali Country Days

possibly my favorite picture of the year

canoe trips with him are the best

My favorite commission yet 

 Southern Lights playing at the Micanopy festival 

Southern Lights playing at the McIntosh fall festival

from the visit with my dear friend Carilyn 

teaching my brothers their anatomy got kinda crazy

he's into daredevil, i'm into river tam and shiny 

korean writings - i think this will be my motto this year 

Anyways, there you go!

It was a memorable year. Here's to twenty-sixteen being remarkably better, and much more full of Christ. ♪ ♥

//the power of peace

What is /peace/?

It is not the absence of conflict. It is not the absence of turmoil or hardships. 

It is definitely not the lack of tribulations or trials. 

Peace is something I think we all desire. 

Because even the humans that possess all the world's riches, power and charms still end up committing suicide, or ruining their lives because of their inward misery. 

In simple terms, they die for lack of /peace/. 

In a world that is spinning 1,040 miles per hour, our lives seem to whiz by at even greater speeds.

And even though we never notice the rotation of the planet we spend all our lives firmly planted on, we sure get caught up in every form of stress possible. 

We are addicted to constant activity, to constant entertainment and constant /stress/ - even when we aren't aware that we are. Stress comes in many forms. 

Peace is so much simpler, but sadly, when we let ourselves be overwhelmed with the constant act of always engaging in something, we can lose the connection with the subtle beauty of true peace.

It's easy to do because peace isn't a flashy thing that demands you to notice it. Unlike happiness, excitement or passion, it is quiet and unassuming. 

But even when you sit an do /nothing/ peace isn't inherently there. (it sure is nice to just stop and do /nothing/ but exist now and then though)

Peace is knowing that even though you have enemies, it doesn't matter in the long run. 

Peace is the comfort of knowing that, despite the world crumbling around you, you're going to make it out safe and sound.

Peace is the sense of free-falling when you release all worry or concern over things you have no control about. Everything from major life questions that haven't been answered yet to financial needs and desires for the future. It's a little unsettling at first because you feel like you're dropping out of the air with no parachute. 

You only see the parachute puff out above you until after you make the jump. 

Peace is powerful and life-changing, because it completely affects your being once it settles in your soul. 

It calms your internal tempests when you come face to face with the greatest external hurricanes. 

Only when you are full of peace can you see clearly and sensibly through the trials of life. 

And in the midst of those trials, despite the pain and heartache, you still know it's going to be okay. 

Peace is when you decide you're not going to expend emotion where it's not necessary.

 Peace is deciding to hold your tongue when someone criticizes or insults you,

Peace is not stooping to the level of those who wrong you. 

Peace is not found in getting even or returning evil with evil.  

Peace is found when you cast all your cares upon your Creator, and leave it His hands. 

// 1 Peter 5:7

Casting all your care upon Him; for He cares for you.

// 1 Corinthians 14:33

For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace...

I don't know about you, but I am a seeker of peace. 

Being at peace is far more powerful than any other state of being.

And only the peace found in Jesus can truly suffice. 

Essence of Humanity // a bit of prose

“Essence of Humanity”

Eyes lacking vigor, hands drained of life

A mouth that only utters empty promises and lies

Aggression leaves its mark in the lines on our faces

Some days we’re proud of them, and some days we hate it.

I run, but it’s not from someone else I try to hide

I cry, but it’s not from the rolling thunder in the night sky

I fight, but it’s not against a person the eyes can behold,

It’s against that blue-eyed girl staring back in the mirror. 

We have good days and bad, but deep down we’re always searching

For an answer to a question that’s beyond our understanding

Cause’ the pain inside won’t go away, without some kind of remedy

And when we try to fix it ourselves, the medicine only turns to poison.

I run, but it’s not from someone else I try to hide

I cry, but it’s not from the rolling thunder in the night sky

I fight, but it’s not against a person the eyes can behold,

It’s against that blue-eyed girl staring back in the mirror. 

Who knew the greatest enemy, could be the essence of humanity

At our greatest, we just amount to failure.

Can’t you see the pain that we’re all trying to hide?

Do you understand the mighty torrent raging deep inside?   

On earth, where can I find the remedy?

If it were here, wouldn't it be clear to see?

 Earth provides not solutions - just clues, pointing Above, subtle signs 

And the essence of humanity overlooks them all the time. 

///

This is a song I wrote earlier in the year when I was going through 'my personal hell'. I didn't really finish it into a piece that I'd feel comfortable actually singing in front of someone, but I think that the conclusion is clear regardless. 

We can't fix ourselves. 

It has to be Christ. 

A supernatural intervention from the Creator of the Universe is the only way to cure the human soul's devolving condition. 

Vaya con Dios mis amigos, 

When You Look Back On the Future

When she recounted the moments of her past year, the past three-hundred-and-sixty-five days, she saw answers to questions hidden in plain view. Her eyes saw them now, but they had been invisible back when she was living at that exact moment. She couldn't see it then, but now it was as clear as the cerulean sky above her head. 

What caused her former self to be shrouded from understanding the things she now knew? When does a soul ripen, transforming from a naive acorn into a discerning oak? 

She still didn't know the answer to that one. The wisdom she craved and the spirit of understanding which she desired so immensely were always things of mystery. Far more valuable than any physical object, and rightly so. 

But now it all made sense. 

She was now living in the future - the future her former self didn't yet know. A year ago, she was a different soul. A little less seasoned. A little less knowledged. A little less wise.
A soul who allowed herself to be deceived into thinking she knew what love was.
He hadn't been her first choice, no. But she was willing to give him a chance just in case God had plans for them. She liked him, and for a time she even thought that she was in love.
Alas, no. That wasn't true love.
It wasn't meant to be.
When God revealed this to her, she changed. She realized the truth.
When she learned a secret she hoped she'd never have to know, everything came apart. The afternoon she learned something far more saddening than she ever wanted to imagine, was the afternoon that changed her life forever.
But it was the hardest month of her life.
She dissolved into an ocean of solitude and misery, a swath of confusion and protest. She tried not to let anger and bitterness take root in her soul. Only God could count the number of tears she wept in confusion and pain.
But when her world was turned upside down, she felt the embrace of Christ himself.
In that time of perceived tribulation, she lost a bit of herself and gained something even more grand.
She gained experience. A jewel of wisdom. She experienced a tiny taste of the fires of God's refining.
And she learned to cherish those flames.

-

It's a beautiful thing to look back on the past, and see how the Lord's mercies work together like pieces in a giant, universal puzzle. To think that, I, just a small fragment of that grand puzzle could even be allowed a place in the picture at all is gloriously humbling!
When I look back on what was, at one time, the future to my past self, I see things that weren't possible to understand then. It's as if I were driving down a pitch-black highway at night, with only my dim-lights on so that I can merely see about forty feet ahead in the darkness.

Of course, on one hand, isn't that what faith is? Walking by TRUST, HOPE, and BELIEF, not by sight. You have NO idea what's yet to come but you know it will all make sense at some point!

Even thinking about what I considered tribulation, earlier this year, is interesting. The truth is? I have no clue what a real trial or tribulation is like. I may have experienced pain, and my soul may feel awful raw and cut-on. But that doesn't mean I've truly suffered. By Jove, gracious, no! Have I been persecuted for my following Jesus? Have I been tortured or my family arrested because of our faiths? No! Am I still alive, thriving and breathing? Yes!

I'm going to be totally honest with y'all. This isn't pretty, but it has to be said.
There were months when I wanted to die.
You might find that hard to believe, coming from a girl with high self-esteem and an incredible amount of drive in life.
*sigh* But it's true. As many days as I've had where my emotions soared and I felt I was truly amazingggg (see, I definitely have tendency to struggle with pride!), I've had just as many where I cursed myself as being a horrible excuse of human, never good enough and always failing and disappointing the ones I loved dearest. It crushed me more than any physical burden could.
When the voices screaming in my head wouldn't be silent and I wanted to end it so I wouldn't hear them, or have to be stuck with my shell of a monstrosity. I hated myself so, in the times when I hit extreme emotional lows that sunk to levels of depression.
I was a mess, I was worried for other people's safety when I was out in public. I never knew when my next meltdown would be. I had a few panic attacks out of nowhere. I couldn't focus, and I was crying every day for no reason other than nothing made sense and I was so sick of myself.
I heard voices saying I was an alien, a monster, and that nobody could understand my condition of being. I was an anomaly. A girl whose emotions were off the charts. Bipolar. Out of control.
The voices wouldn't shut up. I couldn't find peace in my cranium no matter how I attempted to seek it. I prayed in desperation for rest from the chaos enveloping my mind. It just wouldn't come.

I want to say that some of those days were like hell on earth for me. Obviously that is a major exaggeration, but if you've ever experienced any form of depression or manic-depressive symptoms you'll understand. It's truly grotesque, what your mind does when subjected to this kind of crippling emotional...whatever you call it. Actually I reckon the scientific answer is that it's merely an chemical imbalance in the brain. Still, it is crippling.

I don't really know what happened, but for the past several months I have experienced something that has been much prayed for, and almost too good to be true, considering the mental madness of earlier in the year.
Mental clarity, and internal peace. 
NO VOICES. No screaming voices. No slanderous whispers in my ears. No endless tears and meltdowns every single day of the week.
Tears are welling up in my eyes as I say this. (what can I say, I'm still very emotional and this subject is not one I bring up much.)
I've never felt so incredibly FREE. I'm like a wild horse running free on the prairie, with nothing between me and the horizon. The bars of my mental prison vanished. I'm a bird released from its cage.
There are no chains on me, not any more.
I am free.
The only answer I have for this is one word. One name.
Jesus. 
People say you can't recover from mental illness. People say that you can't wipe that kind of thing from your DNA.
My answer is, thank God that the Supernatural Almighty doesn't listen to the scorn and disbelief of mortal humanity!
I don't know if I still have the potential for those bipolar-syndromes to return - maybe it will always be there. But maybe not. Maybe it won't.
 I will say this. My God is powerful, and so far, He's not failed me yet.
He answers prayers, in ways I don't expect or envision.
So if He takes this completely, I won't be surprised.
I will just be immensely grateful.

Anyway, so getting back to what I was saying earlier, I have experienced pain and there were times I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it any longer.
But all in all? Have I suffered? Have I truly suffered tribulation?
No.
No amount of bipolar-symptom trauma or emotional tornadoes could change that.
And even if I lost everything I have, I would still not know true suffering.
No, real suffering isn't anything I'll ever know.
Jesus suffered when He took my punishment on the cross. When He laid down His life to be brutally murdered in one of the most painful deaths a human could experience.
That was true suffering.
So yeah...can I complain about anything I've gone through?
Never.

When I look back on the past, I know that it was a beautiful one. Why? Because even scars and broken pieces are beautiful, when they are redeemed and refined by Christ. 

A Storm Called Liberation - Letters to Myself

 

This isn't really a poem, but I don't know what else to call it. Musings? Yes, musings will do.

It's just what happens when you know you need to write /something/ but you aren't sure whether to pen a song, or a poem by itself. This will probably end up evolving into a song though nonetheless.

I will admit that these past two weeks have been among the hardest in my life. I was given counsel by a very dear friend who is like a second-mother to me, to "write letters to myself" when I am feeling more spiritually and emotionally stable, for those times in which I'm struggling. So I'm going to give it a go. Here's the first letter.

 

-

 

"A Storm Called Liberation" 

 

Fallen, my blood seeps into the ground.

Blinded, my mind hijacked and confounded.

I tried to destroy my own soul, I listened to my own lies.

Bound in a tangle of darkness, my throat raw from the screams and cries.

Resurrected, my wounds cleansed and purified by the Creator.

Eyes wide open; I take hold of the clarity and power He bestows.

Snapped me out of my delusions, cut the ties that held me trapped and lost.

 

Keep telling yourself a lie, and soon it becomes the truth.

God is not the author of confusion, He gives us direction on what to do.

Throw off the ropes, shred the lies like paper and toss them to the wind.

Your feet weren’t meant to be stagnant, and your mind wasn’t made to sleep.

Pick your body off the floor, plant your feet firm and grit your teeth.

In Him, you will overcome, you will survive, and you will find peace.

There’s a reason for this tempest, and this hurricane is only one of many.

The torrent of emotions is only a season, and you’re strong enough, you won’t drown.

You’re in a refining fire and in the end you will be like silver, if you fully seek the Lord.

This tribulation will free you, brace yourself and stand your ground.

Freedom isn’t a gentle thing, liberation takes you by storm.

So throw your chains away; allow the flood to envelop your soul.

 

You will bleed, you will plead for the end to come.

The darkness of night only points to our need for the sun.

I see clouds on the horizon, but I am thankful for the storms.

Lighting illuminates the heavens; thunder rolls like an orchestral score.  

Focus on the prize ahead, think to the years of the future, when,

Tried by the fire, having weathered the turbulence, having done all to stand,

Your skin will be thicker, your mind wiser, and your feet closer to the Promised Land. 

 

I Used To Be Indecisive But Now I'm Not Sure

 

Did you get that title? Yes? Hehe, good.

 So often in life it feels like indecisiveness is viewed as a bad thing. If you can't make up your mind, you feel like you're at a disadvantage and you're behind. Out of the loop. Not with it.

Bleh. So many negative connotations to the word indecision.

Yes, there may be a valid reason for that. For example: If you can't make up your mind about salvation, that's dangerous. Terribly dangerous, in fact. See, if you never make up your mind, you'll end up burning for all eternity. If that's not a scary thought, I don't know what is. So yeah. Definitely DON'T be indecisive there.

On a lighter note, I hate not knowing what I want, or what I'm supposed to be doing. I hate not being in the loop with what's going on. I hate not being able to pick whether I want pizza or vegan enchiladas while visiting a particular someone and his family. (Heck yes that's a hard choice! On one hand pizza is pizza and therefore pizza is just....*happy sigh* well, perfect, really; but on the other hand vegan enchiladas are healthy and healthy is good and I'm supposed to be promoting healthy things as a naturopath and...and...just bah humbug. Too many choices, I tell you.)

I don't like not being able to make up my mind. I don't like not knowing what to think or do. It drives me mad, actually. Wait, scratch that. Let's rephrase that. It drives me madder.

In the area of romantic relationships and emotional wellbeing, it's torturous. I'm a healthy human eighteen-year-old girl with healthy human eighteen-year-old hormones, after all. What can you expect?
I won't lie. Many moments have been spent praying over how to know what God's will is for me relating to love and marriage. I desperately want to know how I should react to things that have come up. I desperately wish I could figure out my feelings. I don't like being in the dark about my own state of emotional welfare. It's really annoying. I mean, sometimes it feels like I know other people better than I know my own self.

But in this desperation, it's easy to fall into certain traps. Snares like impatience, for example. This is dangerous, because when you are so wrapped up in trying to get an answer from yourself or God, you can end up doing dumb things you regret later.

Okay, so cutting through all the rambling. What am I trying to convey again? I guess what I'm getting at here is that when it comes to falling in love, it's not something that has to happen just all at once and in bright flashing letters. It's fine to be confused about your feelings toward the person you're getting to know. In that first year of the relationship, when you're still in the 'mostly friendship' stage, you don't have to slap a label on your feelings instantly.

"Is this the one? Or is it somebody else?"

"Do I love him(her), or do I not?"

These aren't questions that need immediate answering. Give it time, and continue to seek the guidance of the Lord, as well as the counsel of those wiser than you. Basically, just chill. Don't stress over the unanswered questions. Time will tell. Save yourself a lot of mental gymnastics and leave it in Christ's hands where it belongs.

Sometimes it's okay to be undecided. And sometimes, it's wisest to be undecided.

 

1 Chronicles 16:11.

 

 

 

I leave y'all with an adorable jumping spider who knows how to dress classy. Because, jumping spiders are underappreciated. That is all.