//the power of peace

What is /peace/?

It is not the absence of conflict. It is not the absence of turmoil or hardships. 

It is definitely not the lack of tribulations or trials. 

Peace is something I think we all desire. 

Because even the humans that possess all the world's riches, power and charms still end up committing suicide, or ruining their lives because of their inward misery. 

In simple terms, they die for lack of /peace/. 

In a world that is spinning 1,040 miles per hour, our lives seem to whiz by at even greater speeds.

And even though we never notice the rotation of the planet we spend all our lives firmly planted on, we sure get caught up in every form of stress possible. 

We are addicted to constant activity, to constant entertainment and constant /stress/ - even when we aren't aware that we are. Stress comes in many forms. 

Peace is so much simpler, but sadly, when we let ourselves be overwhelmed with the constant act of always engaging in something, we can lose the connection with the subtle beauty of true peace.

It's easy to do because peace isn't a flashy thing that demands you to notice it. Unlike happiness, excitement or passion, it is quiet and unassuming. 

But even when you sit an do /nothing/ peace isn't inherently there. (it sure is nice to just stop and do /nothing/ but exist now and then though)

Peace is knowing that even though you have enemies, it doesn't matter in the long run. 

Peace is the comfort of knowing that, despite the world crumbling around you, you're going to make it out safe and sound.

Peace is the sense of free-falling when you release all worry or concern over things you have no control about. Everything from major life questions that haven't been answered yet to financial needs and desires for the future. It's a little unsettling at first because you feel like you're dropping out of the air with no parachute. 

You only see the parachute puff out above you until after you make the jump. 

Peace is powerful and life-changing, because it completely affects your being once it settles in your soul. 

It calms your internal tempests when you come face to face with the greatest external hurricanes. 

Only when you are full of peace can you see clearly and sensibly through the trials of life. 

And in the midst of those trials, despite the pain and heartache, you still know it's going to be okay. 

Peace is when you decide you're not going to expend emotion where it's not necessary.

 Peace is deciding to hold your tongue when someone criticizes or insults you,

Peace is not stooping to the level of those who wrong you. 

Peace is not found in getting even or returning evil with evil.  

Peace is found when you cast all your cares upon your Creator, and leave it His hands. 

// 1 Peter 5:7

Casting all your care upon Him; for He cares for you.

// 1 Corinthians 14:33

For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace...

I don't know about you, but I am a seeker of peace. 

Being at peace is far more powerful than any other state of being.

And only the peace found in Jesus can truly suffice. 

When You Look Back On the Future

When she recounted the moments of her past year, the past three-hundred-and-sixty-five days, she saw answers to questions hidden in plain view. Her eyes saw them now, but they had been invisible back when she was living at that exact moment. She couldn't see it then, but now it was as clear as the cerulean sky above her head. 

What caused her former self to be shrouded from understanding the things she now knew? When does a soul ripen, transforming from a naive acorn into a discerning oak? 

She still didn't know the answer to that one. The wisdom she craved and the spirit of understanding which she desired so immensely were always things of mystery. Far more valuable than any physical object, and rightly so. 

But now it all made sense. 

She was now living in the future - the future her former self didn't yet know. A year ago, she was a different soul. A little less seasoned. A little less knowledged. A little less wise.
A soul who allowed herself to be deceived into thinking she knew what love was.
He hadn't been her first choice, no. But she was willing to give him a chance just in case God had plans for them. She liked him, and for a time she even thought that she was in love.
Alas, no. That wasn't true love.
It wasn't meant to be.
When God revealed this to her, she changed. She realized the truth.
When she learned a secret she hoped she'd never have to know, everything came apart. The afternoon she learned something far more saddening than she ever wanted to imagine, was the afternoon that changed her life forever.
But it was the hardest month of her life.
She dissolved into an ocean of solitude and misery, a swath of confusion and protest. She tried not to let anger and bitterness take root in her soul. Only God could count the number of tears she wept in confusion and pain.
But when her world was turned upside down, she felt the embrace of Christ himself.
In that time of perceived tribulation, she lost a bit of herself and gained something even more grand.
She gained experience. A jewel of wisdom. She experienced a tiny taste of the fires of God's refining.
And she learned to cherish those flames.

-

It's a beautiful thing to look back on the past, and see how the Lord's mercies work together like pieces in a giant, universal puzzle. To think that, I, just a small fragment of that grand puzzle could even be allowed a place in the picture at all is gloriously humbling!
When I look back on what was, at one time, the future to my past self, I see things that weren't possible to understand then. It's as if I were driving down a pitch-black highway at night, with only my dim-lights on so that I can merely see about forty feet ahead in the darkness.

Of course, on one hand, isn't that what faith is? Walking by TRUST, HOPE, and BELIEF, not by sight. You have NO idea what's yet to come but you know it will all make sense at some point!

Even thinking about what I considered tribulation, earlier this year, is interesting. The truth is? I have no clue what a real trial or tribulation is like. I may have experienced pain, and my soul may feel awful raw and cut-on. But that doesn't mean I've truly suffered. By Jove, gracious, no! Have I been persecuted for my following Jesus? Have I been tortured or my family arrested because of our faiths? No! Am I still alive, thriving and breathing? Yes!

I'm going to be totally honest with y'all. This isn't pretty, but it has to be said.
There were months when I wanted to die.
You might find that hard to believe, coming from a girl with high self-esteem and an incredible amount of drive in life.
*sigh* But it's true. As many days as I've had where my emotions soared and I felt I was truly amazingggg (see, I definitely have tendency to struggle with pride!), I've had just as many where I cursed myself as being a horrible excuse of human, never good enough and always failing and disappointing the ones I loved dearest. It crushed me more than any physical burden could.
When the voices screaming in my head wouldn't be silent and I wanted to end it so I wouldn't hear them, or have to be stuck with my shell of a monstrosity. I hated myself so, in the times when I hit extreme emotional lows that sunk to levels of depression.
I was a mess, I was worried for other people's safety when I was out in public. I never knew when my next meltdown would be. I had a few panic attacks out of nowhere. I couldn't focus, and I was crying every day for no reason other than nothing made sense and I was so sick of myself.
I heard voices saying I was an alien, a monster, and that nobody could understand my condition of being. I was an anomaly. A girl whose emotions were off the charts. Bipolar. Out of control.
The voices wouldn't shut up. I couldn't find peace in my cranium no matter how I attempted to seek it. I prayed in desperation for rest from the chaos enveloping my mind. It just wouldn't come.

I want to say that some of those days were like hell on earth for me. Obviously that is a major exaggeration, but if you've ever experienced any form of depression or manic-depressive symptoms you'll understand. It's truly grotesque, what your mind does when subjected to this kind of crippling emotional...whatever you call it. Actually I reckon the scientific answer is that it's merely an chemical imbalance in the brain. Still, it is crippling.

I don't really know what happened, but for the past several months I have experienced something that has been much prayed for, and almost too good to be true, considering the mental madness of earlier in the year.
Mental clarity, and internal peace. 
NO VOICES. No screaming voices. No slanderous whispers in my ears. No endless tears and meltdowns every single day of the week.
Tears are welling up in my eyes as I say this. (what can I say, I'm still very emotional and this subject is not one I bring up much.)
I've never felt so incredibly FREE. I'm like a wild horse running free on the prairie, with nothing between me and the horizon. The bars of my mental prison vanished. I'm a bird released from its cage.
There are no chains on me, not any more.
I am free.
The only answer I have for this is one word. One name.
Jesus. 
People say you can't recover from mental illness. People say that you can't wipe that kind of thing from your DNA.
My answer is, thank God that the Supernatural Almighty doesn't listen to the scorn and disbelief of mortal humanity!
I don't know if I still have the potential for those bipolar-syndromes to return - maybe it will always be there. But maybe not. Maybe it won't.
 I will say this. My God is powerful, and so far, He's not failed me yet.
He answers prayers, in ways I don't expect or envision.
So if He takes this completely, I won't be surprised.
I will just be immensely grateful.

Anyway, so getting back to what I was saying earlier, I have experienced pain and there were times I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it any longer.
But all in all? Have I suffered? Have I truly suffered tribulation?
No.
No amount of bipolar-symptom trauma or emotional tornadoes could change that.
And even if I lost everything I have, I would still not know true suffering.
No, real suffering isn't anything I'll ever know.
Jesus suffered when He took my punishment on the cross. When He laid down His life to be brutally murdered in one of the most painful deaths a human could experience.
That was true suffering.
So yeah...can I complain about anything I've gone through?
Never.

When I look back on the past, I know that it was a beautiful one. Why? Because even scars and broken pieces are beautiful, when they are redeemed and refined by Christ. 

A Thousand Useless Words

 

 

(Warning: This is not the typical post you'll find on this blog. It's a raw, nearly uncensored piece of my heart right now. Sometimes the best way to cope with the struggle is to flesh it out word by word, analyzing why exactly you're hurting. You are forced to analyze who is truly in the wrong. And in this case, that would be me.)

 

 

What's the meaning of a thousand words, if those words aren't verified by action?

 

I do not live by the words I speak.

 

I despise the person I am, trapped in failures and mediocrity.

 

I insist that tomorrow's a new day. I declare my resolution to try harder.

 

And I try.

 

Yet one step out of place, one fall, one falter. It's over; I didn't try hard enough.

 

And their eyes look down on me. Their voices, like arrows, pierce my soul. 

 

The ones dearest to me cause me the most pain. The sickness of knowing I disappointed them.

 

The worst part is that I deserve those arrows. 

 

I deserve that pain.

 

Because, after all, who knows what pain have I caused them?

 

Rivers stain my face, salty, bitter streams.

 

Each tear speaks a thousand words.

 

A thousand words that would be useless, from my lips.

 

My heart aches for what I have been unable to change. What I keep saying I'll do different.

 

It never happens.

 

Lord help me, I just can't do it alone.

 

What are a thousand words, if my actions don't reflect them?

 

 

 

Was Jesus Black?

(random photo that has absolutely nothing to do with this post )

 

If you're reading this now or came to this post because of the title...Well hi there. How's your week been going?

 

 Yes, it's going to be a very unique post considering what I usually write about here. I can imagine some of your faces as you read this. You're waiting to see if this is going to be... well, okay, let's just say you're probably curious.

 

I've debated doing theological posts on Apassionata but declined the notion because I figured there was already enough...um...craziness randomness here? Yeeeah. That's why Symphony and I started Creation Gals.

 

But today I'm changing it up for once. This is a topic which rested in my brain several months ago and I've deliberated deeply on it since.

 

Racism.

 

 So many misconceptions. So many false assumptions. So much hate - and I do mean, the true meaning of hate. (Not the liberal, left-wing manipulation of the word.)

It happens on both sides...both white, and black. It has the potential to occur in every soul, no matter the nationality or color.

 

The word 'race' itself, is racist. (for more on the word 'race' read this article I wrote on Creation Gals)

It's an evolutionistic term at root and implies a species still in the process of evolving to its full potential/state of existence.

When the word 'race' is viewed under such terms, it makes sense why people can so easily fall to looking down on somebody a different color or background then themselves.

Most of our vocabularies include a racist term, and we don't even blink twice! Is that not scary?

 

So. I've opted not to use the word 'race'. I could go into more reasons why this is a word to avoided, but technically that was already covered in the article noted above.

 

It's really tragic to me how easily humanity derides against itself...and for the most petty reasons.

 There will never be world peace or anything similar until Jesus returns and the new heaven/new earth is instituted, true. It's just heart-breaking to me, to see people look down on one another simply because of the amount of melatonin in their skin.

 

Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart.

 

It's all due to our sin nature. We are inclined to such things, being a fallen creation.

I'm not perfect, myself. In fact, I'm far from being thus. It's amazing how much I mess up, and how easily my thoughts turn from being on the right things.

 

I never thought of myself as being racist. In fact, the subject has always stirred my heart...even to the point of inducing a form of anger. When I read of the injustices and wrongs done to people simply for skin-deep reasons, I cringe and involuntarily grit my teeth. I hate to see it.

 

And then these questions hit me out of nowhere. And suddenly I found myself pondering something I'd never really taken into deep consideration before.

 

Does God have a 'skin color?'

 

Was Jesus black?

 

Is God black?

 

What about Adam and Eve?

 

 

It seems everybody creates assumptions about God/Jesus' appearance. Go to a white church, there are pictures of artists' conceptions of Jesus. He's usually rendered as a clean-cut, effeminate looking fellow with a mild, clean cut beard...and very pale, colorless skin. Very white.

Go to a black church, there are artists' conceptions of Jesus. He's typically rendered as a clean cut, but no so effeminate looking man with a beard and chocolate colored skin. Obviously black.

The same formula follows for other people groups and nationalities.

 

Now, the fact alone that we have 'white' and 'black' churches irks me, but that's a topic for another time.

 

The point is, we all picture Jesus as looking the way we look. It's an involuntary mindset. I'll admit, I never used to question those pictures on the church walls or in the children's' Bible story books.

It may seem trivial, to question what Jesus looked like during His time here on earth.

But isn't it still worth the thought, since it is, after all the Creator of the universe? Isn't it worth the thought just because it's something to make us examine our outlook on things?

 

If God truly does have a 'skin color', (we are made in His Image, after all) what immediately comes to your mind? This will prove where your involuntary assumptions are.

This being said, I don't believe we'll ever be able to know what He looks like until we meet Him for ourselves. I picture Him as He is described in Revelation and throughout Scripture. Being clothed in white, best likened to a beam of blinding, incredible light.

The human mind cannot truly fathom His appearance.

 

What did Jesus look like, during His years spent here? Once again, no one will ever know while abiding in this current life. I picture Him as being neither white nor black, but in between, due to the middle-eastern region He hailed from.

 

Adam and Eve. Were they black? White? Asian? Latino?

 Here is another misconception I believe that's made and all too often. In the kids' Bible story books, Eve is portrayed as having long blond hair, and pale skin. Adam looks similar.

To me personally, I don't believe this factually conceivable. Since all the world's future inhabitants would spawn from this couple, there must have been enough potential for genetic diversity within their DNA to provide this. If both Adam and Eve were 'white', where would the melatonin come from to create darker skin later on?

If they were both 'black', it wouldn't be possible for any of their descendants to ever have a lighter complexion.  

 

Simple enough, right?

 

 So how then do we have the incredible diversity of color and physical characteristics in the world today?

 

What if....

a. Adam and Eve possessed more middle-eastern characteristics - olive skin, dark hair, etc.

or b., one was 'white' and the other 'black'?

 

These two options seem the most plausible to me. Especially the latter. As I said before, I am hardly very knowledgeable and I myself make many presuppositions, many prove to be false.

But I like to think. I like to question. And as simple an issue as this may seem, it truly can raise quite a debate.

 

So...what am I concluding?

If you're truly not racist, you should be able to view Jesus/God/Adam and Eve and being any color. We have no hard fact of what any of them looked like/look like, so therefore we shouldn't cling to this solid idea that they looked any one way.

 

Make sense? Hopefully, yes. 

I know in the long run it won't matter, compared to other things, but I still think it's a fascinating topic to ponder.

  I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter!

 

Soli Deo Gloria,

Life Is A Balance

 

I don't know about y'all, but lately my life has been full of reminders.

 

Reminders of how precious time is, and how little of it there really is. Reminders that my childhood is slipping away; and that soon adulthood shall be at my door, beckoning me into its world.

 

This isn't a bad thing., no not at all. Sometimes however I let it drag me down.

I mean, seriously...the time passes so ridiculously quick, does it not?! If you think on it too much it can get you in a mindset of serious depression.

 

If you think on it too much.

And forget to be thankful for the days you've already been blessed with.

 

 

Something else that's been on my heart lately has been the fact that so easily, things in life can get out of balance.

 

One particular activity takes center stage while more important things slip to the back burner.

 

Priorities get misplaced and suddenly you're wasting time on something completely NOT on the schedule.

Unfortunately, it happens oh-so-easily. Without even thinking about it, I manage to do exactly what I

'preach against', so to speak.

 

Lately, I'll admit that I've struggled with misplaced priorities. I've gotten on Facebook and spent way too long there - whether it be chatting with friends, commenting on other peoples' posts or even just scrolling the newsfeed. I've given it too many of my hours, and for what outcome? How will spending so much time on social networking sites benefit me - or others - in the eternity to come?

 

When I spend too much time "connecting" on Facebook, what better, more fruitful activities could I be doing instead?

 

I've also been considering how much time I spend blogging. I currently own four different blogs, and contribute regularly to at least two of them. This has occupied a good portion of my time as well. At least with blogging, I've told myself, I can see visible end-products. I can hope that my posts have touched y'all's hearts and pointed you to the Savior. I can hope that I was able to pass on useful information which might benefit you readers.

 

Still.

 

Which is more important - blogging about God, or actually spending time with Him?

 

Please note - I aim not to condemn anything or anyone, but only to raise some heartfelt questions.

 

If I were to say nothing else but a few more words, I'd say this: Life is a balance.

Everything we do, every choice we make - it's all about balance. You can upset the balance by misplacing priorities and putting important things on the back burner while more trivial items get center stage; or, you can maintain proper balance by making sure the more vital things are accomplished first. And if these things do get accomplished first, everything else will fall into place.

 

Once, several years ago, I was in a season of almost-too-abundant (wait...who am I kidding? My whole life has been way-too-abundantly blessed!!) blessing and I puzzled over why things were that way. Why had God given me such favor?

My mom gave me an interesting answer. "Because you've been putting Him first in your life". (paraphrased)

 

I still believe that all my years have been blessed incredibly beyond what I deserve. I do not exaggerate when I say incredibly blessed. It's just truth plain as that.

However, some days you feel the presence of God more than others. There were days when I felt His presence so incredibly often. I had joy that was indescribable. Sure, I had days when I fell out of whack and didn't give Him the time He deserved, but overall that joy was immense and oh-so-wonderful.

 

I still experience this joy now, but sometimes I wonder if I am subtly pushing my Creator away by the things I do - or don't do - in my days. The choices I make for how I spend my time affect my relationship with Christ. My choices affect my future.

 

Choices are so important. And it's all the more vital that we make the right ones. ANYTHING can be overdone, or had too much time/energy/thought put into it. Anything can be placed out of balanced, prioritized wrongly. Anything that is, besides God and His Word.

So, I know this was a rambling kind of post. Hopefully it wasn't boring or preachy-sounding to you. I have just had these thoughts on my mind and felt led to share them with y'all.

 

On a lighter note, summer is here and I can't wait to go to the beach in a few weeks. Above is a collage of photos from 4-5 years ago at our beach hotel we visit every year for our annual family reunion.

 

This one (yes, I edited it and put a filter on it *grins sheepishly*) was from 3 years ago.

 

Am I the only one who is loving this jumping-in-photos thing? My brothers and I did the whole shebang before it even got popular, as evident above. ^_^ I hope we can take some more fun jumping pictures this year too.

 

What are you looking forward to about summer?

 

Soli Deo gloria,

In Which I Retrieved The Long-Lost Colored Pencils...

 How many of y'all like to draw or sketch?

Personally, I take great pleasure in creating art...of various forms. Whether it be by musical means, by words in my written works, or by using pencil and pen on a piece of blank paper, it is a thoroughly satisfying pastime. 

Mostly I do black and white pencil sketches, some of which you can see by clicking my Art & Illustration page on the top tab of this blog. I used to do a lot more colored pencil work, but lately, it has rather intimidated me and I've been too lazy to try it again; so I've stuck to plain ol' black and white. Which is fine, because I love b/w drawings in general. But God did create a world of color, so it only makes sense that one should use it at some point, does it not? 

So, the other day, I sat down quite at random and decided to retrieve the long-forgotten and long-unused Prismacolor colored pencils I'd used so often, so long ago in my earlier days. By the way, if you ever are looking to get a set of nice, high quality pencils these are definitely my recommendation! They lay down the color so well and the quality is evident immediately. They're a little on the pricier side by so worth it. I have a set of their regular colored pencils, their VeriThin colored pencils, and some of their markers. 

These photos constitute the finished product of my work. (Even though I can never seem to capture my art completely in the original form on camera, no matter what I try!) 

For using mediums I'd not touched for at least a year and a half, I'm pretty happy with this drawing. I know it has a lot of things which could be improved (let me know if you have some honest advice on how to do this!)  but I guess that's the case with just about anything one does, isn't it?

SO. I'd love to hear what you thought of this! And, like I said, if you have any ideas or tips on improvement of future colored pencil art, I'd love to hear it!

Be on the lookout for more review posts coming soon... there should be another one probably this Saturday or Friday.

OH, and before I forget, let me tell you about today's praise report!! I got my accordion fixed! A wonderful lady named Rose drove up two hours just to help me get the job done. I'm so thankful! Praise be to God for His provision and blessings which never cease!! He is so good!! Another answered prayer. Never doubt His planning because He knows exactly what He's doing!!

Hope y'all are having as blessed a day as I am!

Seven Billion {WriterlyWednesday}

{this is an abbreviated version of a song I wrote two days ago}

 

 

"Seven Billion"

By Leah K. Oxendine

 

 

Coffee brown skies, and coal black sidewalks,

Yellow taxi-cabs racing down the street.

Millions of people brushing past me,

And I forget whether I’m coming or going.

Welcome to New York City, welcome to a hurting land.

The neon lights are burning bright, but

They can’t hide the darkness thriving here.

 

Seven billion people on planet earth,

Seven billion lives of incredible worth

Seven billion souls in this world, and how many of seven billion have truly heard?

How many lives have been touched?

By hands reaching out, spreading God’s Holy Word?

 

How many souls have been told the Good News?

And how they can be saved from hell and what Jesus can do?

Seven billion, that’s a pretty huge number,

 but the Lord made us all incredibly unique and special.

As children of God, we’ve been given a task,

to spread the gospel to as many as we can.

 

Towering pine trees and fields of green,

prettiest landscape that I ever did see.

Horse farms scattered all across the county,

rolling down the road, pick-up trucks and dualees.

Welcome to Fairfield Florida, welcome to a needy land

The stars, they shine in the clear night sky, but they can’t hide the darkness dwelling here.

 

What are we doing, sitting here;

drowning in the waters of our own fears?

Why do we worry, what others think?

Why do we let that worry stop us from witnessing?

Why do we worry about others’ thoughts?

When we step outside our comfort zones we step into God’s.

-

 

I stayed up till' 4 in the morning to write that. O_O Scary, right? Well, when God gives you inspiration, you can't just dump it because of what time of day it is.

I'm pretty pleased with it. Maybe one of these days I'll stop being lazy and try to record it somehow so you can hear it. I wrote it mainly with intentions of using it in our church band, so if you REALLY wanna hear it you just need to come to our church sometime! XD

 

Apologies for not posting anything lately. Life is hectic as always and I've been trying to cut how much time I spend on the computer so I can spend more time with my family, God, and instruments. :D I am planning to post something for FabHealthFriday this week however, about natural deodorants! How exciting, no? Heheh.

 

 

Have a blessed day! What's new with y'all this week? I'd love to hear about it!

Nothing Left to Say

(Taken when I was 14- Sorry for a random, old picture, I'd upload something more recent and exciting except Blogger won't let me upload new photos for some reason. Grr....)

-

I keep falling, I keep falling down/If you could only save me, I'm drowning in the waters of my soul/I'm giving up, I'm giving up, hey hey, giving up now.

Imagine Dragons' song "Nothing Left to Say" has really been hitting home to me in my life today. You know how some days go really well, others go simply awesome and, sometimes, you get a day that's about one degree away from utter perfection? I'd love to tell you that today I experienced one of those days.

But that would be lying.

Today was actually the worst day I've had this year. I don't know why exactly and the reasons I have figured I need not go into detail with. But I truly have been "falling down, drowning in the waters of my soul."

Without God, this could be true for every day of our lives. It's only when I get off track from His will that I find myself in this situation, drowning. I know that I've been doing some things which are not what He would want me to be doing, so I can only blame myself.

Do you ever feel like you've confessed to God the same sin literally hundreds upon hundreds of times? This is another thing I've been struggling with, and if not dealt with properly, it can eventually lead to drowning.

I've come to the position and conclusion that as the song says, it's true. There's nothing left to say.

The Lord didn't save me because of what I did, but what He did.

When I ask for forgiveness of my sins, He forgives me because His mercy is never-ending, not because of my mere human words or what I do to try and prove myself.

There's nothing left to say.

You just have to surrender to God, admit you were wrong and thank Him for His ever-so-abundant mercies. That's all. You don't need to go into lengthy detail, just ask His forgiveness, and mean it.

Ask Him to help you repent, and He will. But you have to LET Him. This is very challenging in itself.

And here's where we come to letting go, giving up.

"I'm giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now."

Give up those emotions of hatred, anger, resentment, bitterness, heartbreak, whatever they may be.

Give them up entirely. Don't let any smidgen remain in your soul. Let Him take them away, wipe your slate clean.

There's nothing left to say.

Don’t Let The World See My Bleeding Heart

Today....well, I praise God for another day He has given me to live. He has already demonstrated bountiful blessings and mercies today, and all of those I am so thankful for.

I will admit....some of them I am still trying to learn to be grateful for. Let's just say today's also been filled with gallons and gallons of testing and trial.

I have no room to complain on any of the trials I've been going through, because in comparison they are....hardly worthy to be called tribulations. But none-the-less, they are there and they have been giving me quite a time. I guess the Lord is allowing satan the tempt me. Which I am thankful for. Because it shows that the devil is angry with me, I must be doing something right, to be making him mad like that.

But seriously....literally a minute after I finished prayers this morning, BAM! A huge patience test hits me in the face and I flunk it.

Things got progessively worse but the Lord helped me climb out of my mess I'd created. He's still helping me. Today's not even half-way done yet, so I must continue on. I must.

I wrote a poem. Haven't been writing much poetry lately but once in awhile, the inspiration will pop in and I am forced to write it down. Can't stand losing inspiration when it happens, you know. :)

So here it is.

“Bleed in Secret”

Oh, I’m fallin’ down,

Oh I feel alone.

Oh I need some help cause

 I can’t do this on my own.

Find myself running,

Trying to get away.

From everything around me,

I try to hide my face.

Don’t want them to see me crying,

Can’t let them see the tears.

Don’t want them to know I’m suffering

They don’t need to know my fears.

Abba, Father, I need You

No one else would understand.

No one sees the hurt within me

You alone can see within.

You know my heart is breaking

I feel it ripping apart.

But Father, please, I beg you,

Don’t let the world see my bleeding heart.

Don’t let my suffering become their suffering

Oh please, let it stop right with me.

While I ache and endure this hardship,

Let it be as if they never knew

What I am going through.

-

So maybe you read it and you're perplexed about what the heck I'm talking about....I mean, bleeding in secret? "Leah, are you into self-injury/cutting yourself now or something??"

No. I respect my body too much for that. This poem is referring to how when we go through trials, there are times when we need to...go through them in a way that doesn't cause others to have to suffer, too.

I don't want to enflict the pain and suffering that I'm currently going through on those around me. They don't need that. Yes, it's good to vent it out sometimes, but as Solomon said very wisely, "there's a time for everything." If I'm angry about something, I don't need to let my anger seep out and soil the day around me. I must allow God to cut it from my heart, bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut when I want to snap back at somebody.

If I'm in pain, physically and/or emotionally, I need to keep that pain to myself. In this season of my life, that's what I need to do. Just gotta bite the bullet and be strong.

The world doesn't need to see my tears.

What have you been struggling with lately? I hope the Lord has been guiding you through whatever it may be.

Blessings,