//musings of a hateful moron

Alright guys, I have a confession to make.

I have erred greatly.

 I have been intolerant.

I have, otherwise, committed a hate crime, and offended a few people, no doubt.

 I dare not try and shirk my offense! 

I'm guilty. 

Guilty of what, you may ask? Well, that is the question. 

I wouldn't have guessed it, myself. 

But apparently, if you ask the voices of certain folks, it's a thing. 

I'm a hateful moron. 

What did I do to get called such a name? Well, it was simple. I was scrolling facebook, wasting time as usual. I encountered a photo of two gender-fluid people. The original post was from a conservative mother about how, for many transgender people, the ultimate goal is to eliminate the borders and boundaries of gender all-together. The goal is to create a genderless society. No black and white differences. 

I should probably know better than to comment on controversial posts like that, where hatefulness is drawn like a magnet, but I couldn't help myself. I mean, I'm always seeing where liberals are shouting their views. I have a right to at least put in my opinion, too, right? It's freedom of speech, after all, right? (on a side note, I'll come back to this subject later.)

So, I said this. 

"I'm a woman. Gender is not over. I am darn proud of being a woman, and you cannot make me change that."

Simple, right? 

A few years ago, I would have been applauded for being a strong, feminist-minded young woman who has healthy self-esteem. 

In actuality, I do not claim to be a feminist. I am simply just happy to be the gender God made me. I love being a woman, and I wouldn't want to be any other way. Remind me what's wrong with gratitude, again? Oh that's right, nothing - at least, not according to God. 

So yeah, anyways. Here I am, stating how I'm happy and proud to be what I am. 

What responses do I get? I won't even say the first one, it was so very crass. In the second one, I was called a "hateful moron." Which isn't much better, but at least it didn't include an f-bomb. 

So, I'm sorry, guys. I didn't know it was a misdemeanor to be thankful with the gender you were born. I guess I need to issue an apology to the LGBTQ crowd for being so hateful that I actually profess being happy with myself and my body. Because, who on earth would actually tolerate a young woman being confident in herself? That's totally messed up, right? 

I mean, it's definitely hateful and idiotic to actually love who you are. If you're a straight, non-gender-fluid woman, anyways. If I had said I was a unicorn, maybe that would have been received with more grace. I'll have to try that next time. 

But really.

Just. 

Wow. 

All satire and sarcasm aside here, I feel like I got sent back to the dark ages. Back to the days when women weren't allowed to own land, vote, or earn equal pay for doing the same job as men. Back in the days when you were generally looked down upon if you were a woman. 

I mean, heaven forbid that women actually be proud of their gender. 

Am I the only one who is so confused by society these days? One minute feminism is being shouted, and the next minute...well, this. 

I might be overdoing it here, but oh well - add it to my list of sins. Have I made my point yet? 

I see a lot of people pointing fingers at straight Christians for being hateful and intolerant of the LGBTQ crowd, but to be honest, most of the hate I've witnessed seems to come from the accusers. I feel like they are so caught up accusing that they forget they aren't perfect either. 

I know I have faults. You have faults too. I am battling sin. You're battling sin. 

But the fact is, I'm not pointing fingers. You are. When you cuss me out and call me names, you are being the hateful one. Never have I called names over sexual orientation, or sin in general. I know we are all battling something. Everyone is. 

That being said, I won't sugarcoat things. I believe firmly that God doesn't approve of the homosexual or trans lifestyle. I believe that He doesn't create mistakes or failures. He doesn't create broken things. We create the broken. We mess our lives up. There are countless ways to do it, too. But point is, I won't claim to agree with the statement that God is okay with sin. He never is. 

Sin is sin. Sin doesn't change. Absolutes don't change, either. And God's Word is an absolute. 

God's Word is my final authority. End of story.

Anyways, I'm not trying to step on toes. Well, maybe I am. Sometimes, we all need our toes stepped on, right? Truth hurts sometimes, but it doesn't change the fact that it's still the truth. Sometimes it's like a bitter medicine.  You know deep down it is good for you, it just tastes awful and is hard to swallow. 

So yeah, I'm thankful and proud to be a woman, the woman that God created me to be. I'm happy and at peace, for the most part. Hopefully, by His grace,I will be able to reflect Him in what I do and say.  

Even if I am a "hateful moron."

//

P.S. On a side note, I've come to learn that facebook is awful for sharing your views. It is really quite a waste of time. It's almost to the point where I want to delete mine. There's just too much hate and lack of civility. Too many negative vibes. I yearn for the days when you didn't have to think about getting called a cuss word out of nowhere for doing nothing. I know that's utopian thinking, but is it so hard to treat eachother with civility? 

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." 

Be kind. Be thoughtful. Be considerate. 

Kintsukuroi // beautiful ending {the final chapter of 2015}

"Oh, why do I let myself let go

of Hands that painted the stars

and hold tears that fall?

And the pride of my heart makes me forget

It's not me but You, that makes the heart beat

I'm lost without You, Your dying for me

So tell me, what is our ending?

Will it be beautiful, so beautiful?"

-Beautiful Ending by BarlowGirl

// 2015 was a whirlwind. 

It was a tsunami that has left me stunned, numbed and speechless. I still can't believe it's nearly gone, and I still can't believe all that happened within these 365 days. 

Not gonna lie, I've had pleasanter years. 2015 was exhilarating and bombastic. It was full of beautiful moments and wonderful memories. 

But I also made mistakes, had my heart broken a few times and cried myself to sleep more times than I can count. Along with the good memories, there are plenty of times I wish I could forget. Things I wish I hadn't said, bad choices I made. I wandered away from God many times. 

I feel like I was a prodigal child this year in my relationship with the Lord. Still, as I draw back closer to Him, His grace and peace only becomes sweeter. 

Even amidst those painful experiences and messes I got myself into, there is still a silver lining. I learned valuable lessons which I will never forget, and you can mark my word, I won't be making the same mistakes again. I am a stronger person for having gone through 2015. Parts of me may have been broken, but I know these scars do not define me. When you look at me, don't think that I presume to know everything or imagine myself to be immaculate. Don't look surprised when you find out I've taken some hits and botched things up. 

I was just a shattered vessel that the Lord pieced back together with love and patience. I'm no longer broken because He has won the victory for me and He has pulled me out of the ashes. I'm not the same girl you knew last year. I'm a work in progress. God is writing my story, and I'm just trying to go where He leads. 

So, from this perspective, 2015 was like a piece of kintsukuroi - broken Japanese pottery that is pieced back together with gold. In the end, the pottery is even more beautiful for having been broken.

Some of the highlights from 2015 included but were not limited to -

♪ many amazing reenactments and improving my reenacting impressions vastly

♪ taking up snare drumming for reenacting, creating my female soldier impression

♪ my very first individual piano concert

♪ lots of piano teaching

♪ lots of instruction with my own piano teacher 

♪ lots of adventures traveling and exploring new places with people I care about

♪ lots of trips to get coffee with mom 

♪ starting a beautiful courtship with my best male friend

♪ revising The Rebels of Florida, to be completely historically accurate

♪ started brainstorming other new book ideas

♪ got to go to lots of dances

♪ started up my own local monthly contra dance group 

♪ got my first car

♪ went shooting, canoeing, camping, and hiked everywhere possible

♪ got paid to do my biggest art commission ever 

♪ got to meet two of my distance writing friends, Lauren and Carilyn in person

♪ our family had a cow for a little while

♪ got to hear/see the Piano Guys in person

from when our dear friends visited

reenacting memories

McIntosh contra

Gainesville contra, for the first time together

my ride!

before-Maygan's-wedding girls' day out

My best friend's wedding happened <3

With one of my piano students at the first recital I coordinated 

playing with the Morses at Ocali Country Days

possibly my favorite picture of the year

canoe trips with him are the best

My favorite commission yet 

 Southern Lights playing at the Micanopy festival 

Southern Lights playing at the McIntosh fall festival

from the visit with my dear friend Carilyn 

teaching my brothers their anatomy got kinda crazy

he's into daredevil, i'm into river tam and shiny 

korean writings - i think this will be my motto this year 

Anyways, there you go!

It was a memorable year. Here's to twenty-sixteen being remarkably better, and much more full of Christ. ♪ ♥

//the power of peace

What is /peace/?

It is not the absence of conflict. It is not the absence of turmoil or hardships. 

It is definitely not the lack of tribulations or trials. 

Peace is something I think we all desire. 

Because even the humans that possess all the world's riches, power and charms still end up committing suicide, or ruining their lives because of their inward misery. 

In simple terms, they die for lack of /peace/. 

In a world that is spinning 1,040 miles per hour, our lives seem to whiz by at even greater speeds.

And even though we never notice the rotation of the planet we spend all our lives firmly planted on, we sure get caught up in every form of stress possible. 

We are addicted to constant activity, to constant entertainment and constant /stress/ - even when we aren't aware that we are. Stress comes in many forms. 

Peace is so much simpler, but sadly, when we let ourselves be overwhelmed with the constant act of always engaging in something, we can lose the connection with the subtle beauty of true peace.

It's easy to do because peace isn't a flashy thing that demands you to notice it. Unlike happiness, excitement or passion, it is quiet and unassuming. 

But even when you sit an do /nothing/ peace isn't inherently there. (it sure is nice to just stop and do /nothing/ but exist now and then though)

Peace is knowing that even though you have enemies, it doesn't matter in the long run. 

Peace is the comfort of knowing that, despite the world crumbling around you, you're going to make it out safe and sound.

Peace is the sense of free-falling when you release all worry or concern over things you have no control about. Everything from major life questions that haven't been answered yet to financial needs and desires for the future. It's a little unsettling at first because you feel like you're dropping out of the air with no parachute. 

You only see the parachute puff out above you until after you make the jump. 

Peace is powerful and life-changing, because it completely affects your being once it settles in your soul. 

It calms your internal tempests when you come face to face with the greatest external hurricanes. 

Only when you are full of peace can you see clearly and sensibly through the trials of life. 

And in the midst of those trials, despite the pain and heartache, you still know it's going to be okay. 

Peace is when you decide you're not going to expend emotion where it's not necessary.

 Peace is deciding to hold your tongue when someone criticizes or insults you,

Peace is not stooping to the level of those who wrong you. 

Peace is not found in getting even or returning evil with evil.  

Peace is found when you cast all your cares upon your Creator, and leave it His hands. 

// 1 Peter 5:7

Casting all your care upon Him; for He cares for you.

// 1 Corinthians 14:33

For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace...

I don't know about you, but I am a seeker of peace. 

Being at peace is far more powerful than any other state of being.

And only the peace found in Jesus can truly suffice. 

The Marathon of Authentic Reenacting

Civil War reenacting is a world of its own.  And not just a world, but an art.

 If only the spectators that gather to watch a battle on Saturday afternoons knew what goes on when they're not around! If only the general public knew what goes into making a truly authentic reenacting impression!

Every reenactor is on their own journey - hopefully to a better state of authenticity. 

However, some folks don't seem to give a rat's heiny for representing the past correctly, and that's just how it is. The sad reality is that there are far too many Civil War reenactors (in Florida, anyway) that just don't care about taking the effort to do it right, and some are even almost proud of it. 

I'll be honest with y'all - these people drive me smack-dab crazy and make me want to smash things. Especially when they're the ones that get covered by the media or local press.

 It bothers me when the spectators crowd around them for pictures, unknowingly calling it "period dress" and believing that what they're seeing is a copy of something from the past. 

It bothers me when you get questions and comments like:

"Is that real fire?" (Why don't you touch it and find out? Har har har. xP) 

"Are you Amish? Mennonite?" (Last I heard, neither of these groups would condone the amount of color in the fabrics I'm wearing for my Civilian impression, let alone the idea of a woman soldier.) 

"See kids, that's how they spent their time back then! They didn't have TV and cell phones so they had to play musical instruments instead!" (GRRRR, JUST GRRRRR WHAT'S WRONG WITH PLAYING MUSIC INSTEAD OF WATCHING TV?!) 

"Gosh, I'm glad I'm not wearing all those layers! You poor thing, you must be soooo hot!" (If women could do it for over two centuries, I'm sure I'll survive, thanks.) 

"Did that tiny waist just come with your outfit or is it real?" (Ummmmm...?! Excuse me?? No, I got a plastic fake waist installed just so I could fit these clothes. Seriously what the even...) 

By the way, these were all real things people have said to me at some point in my reenacting journey. I know, it's ridiculous. 

Maybe we just have done a poor job of educating people properly; maybe most Americans would rather be watching a popular TV show than spending their free time researching history. 

Either way, the general impression is that most spectators have no idea what's accurate and what's not at a Civil War reenactment. (Kudos to those who actually do, I know you're out there! PLEASE TELL ME YOU DO ACTUALLY EXIST)

I so desperately want to change this. It's part of the reason I reenact to begin with. I know I don't have it all together yet, but I'm doing my best and I'm doing my research. I know my pagoda-sleeved blue day dress is made of cotton instead of wool or a nicer material as pagoda sleeves were usually made out of. I know I still need to buy a quality hoop, for the proper 1860s skirt silhouette. I know my bangs need to be grown out completely. 

It's a work in progress. 

At least I know my goals and I acknowledge my previous mistakes. I live and learn, I adapt and try to conform to what I have researched and studied concerning the War and life in that time period for the region I'm in. 

I know what I'm aiming for in the future. I'm going for as close to true authenticity as possible and even though it will take a while to achieve this, I'm willing to do what it takes to get there. 

Crinolines: the bane of my existence 

Even for no other reason than just to be one other female reenactor who is giving the public an accurate picture of what our American ancestors looked like. It's worth it.

Reenacting is so much more than portraying history, though. 

It is a social club, a chance to get away from the modern world for a little while, and even an opportunity for relaxation for some. It's a way to meet new friends, and form bonds that last for years even if you only see your reenacting family a few times a year. 

Also, if you're single and looking to mingle? You might just end up meeting the love of your life. Who knows? There are a lot of single folks in the hobby!

Florida doesn't have many events in comparison to some northern states, and unfortunately, a lot of our CW events are very farby. (aka, lacking historical accuracy on many levels)

 But you know what? Most of the time, you don't go just for the event itself. You go for the people. For the chance to dress in old clothes, throw modern conveniences to the wind and hang out with your friends for a weekend. 

It's wonderful. 

When I think about how I've only been truly reenacting for three years come January, (five if you count my farby days of dressing in "prairie clothes" at Ocali Country Days in my early teens) I feel very blessed that I got in with a good circle of supportive people. 

Even though I've written a book on the War, and have been studying it for nearly a decade of my life, I keep forgetting that it wasn't long ago I was one of the most-inaccurate-looking girls at the events.

And that kinda scares me. I used to be one of those people that knew what they were /supposed/ to do, but wanted to rebel just because I could. Take for example, wearing my hair down instead of up and parted as is 1860s customary. I knew it wasn't right, but I didn't care. 

Anyway, only in 2015 have I really started putting my research to use and begun 'walking the talk' by taking the jump from mainstream to authentic reenacting. 

God blessed me by putting a few different people in my life over that period who made me feel at home at events, and helped me meet new connections so that I didn't feel like an outsider. 

While I didn't have anyone to guide me and show me the do's and don'ts of reenacting, or point me to research I needed, somehow it all worked out fine. 

Doing my own research and having some kind, thoughtful friends in the hobby was enough. 

exhibit a: from the VERY early days of my "living history impressions". 2013. That look is about what my reaction now is to my hair being down at an event and wearing an eBay special with no corset or proper underpinnings...

Reenacting is awesome, but the reality is, being a beginner in the hobby certainly isn't easy.

Even though I didn't experience the struggle of trying to fit in, and even though I didn't get openly ridiculed for what I was wearing, (surely it happened behind my back, though!) I have witnessed the pressure on newcomers I've met recently. Somehow I miraculously missed the whole phase myself, because I got welcomed into the hobby with open arms. 

 But seriously. The plethora of things you are expected to acquire and knowledge you're expected to know starting out is pretty overwhelming. I mean let's be real here. If you've never reenacted before, what are the chances you'll be able to afford purchasing a full, authentic kit during a phase of one or two events? Even during just one year alone? It's almost impossible unless you've been researching for a while already, or find incredibly good deals or have somebody just give you their stuff for free. 

Or if you just got money sitting around. 

The nice thing is that there are units that will lend you kits for a small cost, and that's really helpful for a beginning reenactor who wants to get the feel of the hobby without investing in it yet. 

But if you're going for Civilian? It's not quite that easy. Unless you have a friend who lends you one of her ensembles, you're probably not going to find anyone else who'll be so kind as to loan you an authentic female civilian costume. (Costume as in, outfit. In the 1860s, this is the terminology they used. Outfit was not a word used in relation to clothing.) 

And so then you have the sutler's row ladies trying to talk you into a calico Garibaldi dress which they insist is completely period correct, especially for your first reenacting ensemble. *SCREAMS* 

So yeah, it's not a minuscule undertaking. Unless you have a circle to jump into with somebody you already know, you'e more than likely gonna feel like the outsider for a while. The reenacting circle isn't perfect and just like any other social group, you're gonna find cliques. It happens. 

But to those beginners who decide they're willing to push through any potential ridicule, and dedicate time to research, I seriously applaud you. We definitely need new faces in the reenacting community if we want it to stay living for future generations. 

And honestly, it's not as bad as I may have made it sound. Most people are actually very nice to you even if you have your accuracy all off. As long as you get in with a family-friendly group or unit, you'll be fine. Even though there will always be folks at events you want to avoid, there will also always be people who are very kind and accommodating. 

A good friend of mine says that reenacting isn't comparable to a sprint, but instead a marathon.

If you aim for authenticity, you're going to working on it for a while. It's going to be a long road, and perhaps even a lifelong journey depending on how passionate you are. 

I sure hope that it will be a lifelong pursuit for me.  Because honestly, it's one of the best things that's happened to me. 

This is the closest I am to accuracy right now, all I need to complete this look is removing the gloves and wearing a larger hoop. 

Going barefoot onto the battlefield at Ocklawaha.

My friend Daniel and I at Ocklawaha. I should be wearing my frock coat but the photographer caught me off guard here during a break period.